Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My message to RAD Sufferer's Young And Old: Your not alone

Dear all,

As you can imagine, getting rad-online.org up and running has been a massive undertaking. However, despite that challenge, I am blogging again targeted at R.A.D. sufferer's young and old today. This is for them and I hope those that don't have the strength to speak up and speak out find solace in this post, as it both heartfelt and genuine.

As I sit hear listening to some of my favorite and very emotional music I wonder how many more like me are out there, listening to their own music. I wonder how many people I can reach before they end up like me, or if they are like me, how can I help them today. I look out the window and I wonder how many people are ready to end their lives or start living them again.

I wonder how many children, teens and adults will cry and wrestle with the feelings of utter contempt over their lives and the life they feel was taken from them. I ask myself, how will the people I hurt during my RAD years go to sleep knowing I have gotten better, while they may still be hurting.

We as RAD survivors fight not only with the demons of our past, but the sins we have committed. It's a constant tug of war battle that seems never ending and insurmountable. I question how many out there afflicted with RAD will kill an animal, hurt themselves or someone else not because they want to but because they have to. It's the only way they know how to communicate their particular emotions. I wonder how many afflicted will assist in the destruction of their families or begin trying to repair the damage they have done.

The cycle it seems, is never ending. More and more afflicted will continue to spring up and stay in the shadows, vowing that their actions good and bad should never be spoken of.

How alone we feel in the world surrounded by others trying to help us is immaterial to us. The damage has been done.

Everyday I ask myself how I can help another family. I cannot repay, repair or release the burden of my actions from those I have hurt or who have hurt me.

The only thing I can say to R.A.D. sufferer's is this:

I understand and you aren't alone. If it means writing to me tonight instead of going out and doing something crazy, young or old, please write. Don't make the mistakes that I made and that I am still 20 years later reeling from. Don't let those raw, bleeding emotions drive you to the horrors that I know you want to surrender to.

When you scream " You don't understand", I do understand. When you cry, thinking the thoughts of rage I understand those thoughts and you aren't alone in that struggle. We as a RAD Community are labeled as damaged beyond repair at times, but we aren't. No matter what has happened to you, or what you have done, you are not damaged beyond repair. You are beautiful and your voice has meaning. Trust me from experience. You are worth more than you think.

It's too easy to surrender and almost impossible to fight sometimes. That, I know. I know how hard it is to lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and wishing a plane would crash into your roof. I know about the nightmares, the hate, and the need to destroy the word and watch it burn. I understand and know the struggle and strife that has riddled your life with tears and holes.

That's all I can do for you from here. I can listen. I can write back. If simple words to another human being is what it takes to support you, I am here and willing to listen, even if you think no one else is.



Linda B said...

I hope you don't mind, but I added your blog to my blog list. I am learning much from reading and I know others are too. You are speaking for many who cannot do this for themselves. My daughter included. Thank you.

One Future At A Time said...

Dear Linda,

I deserve no thanks. I should be thanking you for reading my silly little blog.

I am glad you find the view from an RAD survivor helpful. Continue reading, I have some exciting pots coming up soon!


Lindy said...

So...Just how do we help our son? He is currently in juvenile boot camp setting.He has blown his furloughs and his case manger is afraid of him.He wants to pay back those who hurt him by "killing all moms" I am top of his list. He is 12.
We have been doing therapeutic parenting for over 20 yrs. We aren't perfect,but we do know how to keep a calm house and separate a child from his behavior. Al is the first child we haven't been able to find a way in. Everything escalates him. Everything.
The other children (also adopted,similar background) want him home,but are afraid he will hurt me. We want him home. we want him to begin to heal. We do not care if he can love us,we just want him to not want to kill us.
How do we help our son???????
We have parented children with horrendous histories. Three were forced to participate in cannibalism.I don't think it gets worse than that. There isn't much that shocks us any more. I think the difference between Al and the other kids is that they hated feeling the way they did. He seems to consider it the source of his power.
I am grieving for my son and feel helpless to help him. I also have to keep the rest of the family and myself safe. The other kids have worked very hard to get to where they are.I cannot abandon them to help their brother. Al needs extensive help that he cannot get in a locked juvenile facility. He cannot live at home because he isn't yet safe. It is such a catch-22.

I don't want to hear loving him will help. I don't want to hear "give him back" I especially don't want to hear we are sainted, or conversely, are causing his all his issues. I just need some hope.
If our son does not heal he will kill someone.It is his only goal.
He is 12.

I am sorry this is so disjointed.