Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Finally, the tears have started flowing.

Dear All,

Once again, I apologize for not being around as much, I have been extremely busy and not able to write.

This morning, however, I will write. I am literally crying. It took me over 20 years to learn how to cry again after everything in my body told me it was wrong to cry. The only times that I would cry would be when I was extremely drunk. However, today I cry without that aid. There is a lot of pain and healing that must be achieved. R.A.D. has taught me not to care about anything but today, I am literal bawling.

Another loss.

My dog had a litter of puppies that I had to say goodbye to this morning. for 8 weeks I had to care for these dogs, feed them, play with them (Socialization) and we had good times watching them run around the house and play.

Alas, we don't have the means to take care of them, we have 4 small dogs as it is and it's hard taking care of them, let alone 4 puppies. We live in an apartment and these puppies scream and cry and make far too much noise. I feel selfish because if we keep them we will most assured be evicted. I am trapped. My promise to my higher power to the realities of being evicted with too many things going on. I am just in alot of pain right now, regardless of the situation.

I PROMISED GOD that never again would an animal suffer at my hands, and I feel like I have failed my promise. (I am crying even harder now). I feel beyond low. I PROMISED GOD that no matter what happened, no animal would ever again suffer because of my actions. I feel as though, by selling them to a pet store, I have banished them to a place that they don't know, they will cry at night and they will be scared AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE THEM FROM IT.

This ties directly in with Adoption. Most R.A.D. Parents understand what I am talking about. All too well. This is a loss that I cannot control. It is a trigger and even in my 30's I have to be very, very, very careful. I failed at yet again another promise. May my higher power help me.

I will not be able to control who takes them or how they will taken care of. I feel sick to my stomach at this very moment.

After the deaths of the animals at my own hands, years later I promised myself and my higher power that no animal would suffer at my hands ever again and I feel like it's happening all over again. I am totally and completely powerless. I hate feeling like this, I hate crying and even worse at my age, I am learning how TO FEEL.

They have bonded with me to an extent and I had to let them go. This ties in with adoption in many RADTastic ways. I just wish that the pain I feel would subside.

I have learned to live life by controlling everything around me. I have learned to live life alone and without feeling and now I know why. So THIS wouldn't happen. So I wouldn't feel any kind of pain and any pain that I did feel would be instantly quashed to a certain extent.

Now, I cannot stop but feeling anger, depression and helplessness. I feel like I am in a cage and I cannot escape.

Such little, beautiful and sacred lives are out of my control and I am not dealing with this very well at all.

It is in my hopes that these beautiful animals are given good homes. What will eat at me at night is knowing that they are somewhere that I cannot protect them.

This is like having my heart torn out of chest and thrown on the floor.

My father said "You are doing the best for them, you cannot take care all of these dogs, don't go south on me". While his attempt at solace didn't hold any water because we are still on different "Planes" I understand the point.

Today is going to be a very, very, very, very hard day. It's only 9am and I am bawling.

Progress at the expense of loss. Call that a R.A.D. catch 22



Thandi said...

I'm so sorry Michael.I'm sos orry that you're in so much pain and that there's nothing we can say to lessen it.The delth of the anguish I feel at my 'visitor' having to go back is nothing compared to what you're feeling so I don't even want to attempt to understand it.Thank you for writing this.it will give hope to RAD parents that emotion can definitely come to their children.And I don't mean anger.Thank you for sharing that hope.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. Grief is so hard. Tears are cathardic though.