Dear Everyone,
Well finally, the snow has started to fall. I took my dogs out at 6:20 in the morning (All 4 of them) I looked up into the ever brightening sky and I saw snow! The silence of the morning and the flakes of beautiful snow crackling against my winter jacket remdinded me of my first survival trip that began my reawakening.
Anyways, I stared up at the sky and just listen to the silence and the snow falling around me. That scene reaffirmed the fact that while I suffer from RAD and my battles have always been against that nasty demon inside, that horrible, terrible monster, I am still human. Seeing the beauty of nature, of such a simple thing as falling slow allowed me for a moment to be a part of the human community again. I think that, is something that all RAD Kids and RAD Adults need to understand. I say this with some hard learned exeperience.
There are still times even now, sober, getting ready to enter therapy and counseling and I STILL feel like the devil himself. There are still days where it is hard to get out of bed and do anything. As RAD survivors (Or sufferer's) we have to find the things in life that define our humanity. I am not talking about a job, money, a car or a house. I am talking about something infinetly more powerful and defining. I am talking about the things in life that make us feel human and part of the world around us.
For me, that's nature. For those that are still suffering and coming to grips with this disorder it can be anything. It can be a rock, a tree, a fork anything that evokes positive emotion. Perhaps it's model building or music. Something, anything that makes you feel alive.
Sometimes, it can take a VERY long time to find this. It took me 29 years to figure it out. When I am hiking in the snow, or watching the snow fall, the silence, the hardship of the cold and the sheer immensity of the beauty make me part of the human community again because I have something to identify with that others with RAD don't. Sometimes, that's all it takes is realizing that our actions while RAD controlled our lives doesn't define our humanity but tries to wipe it completely from us.
But it can't. And it won't.
I have learned though this battle, that each and every single one of us no matter what our pasts may hide, (Or in some cases reveal) we are still part of nature. The nature of our inner demons and angels will no doubtedly cast a shadow of both doubt and beauty at times. As RAD Survivors, all we need to do is harness both our inner demons and angels and embrace them both as part of our human existence.
Today, it's snowing. I'm beautiful, every RAD survivor or sufferer is beautiful.
The snow is proof of that.
Much love to all,
Michael
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2009
RAD Sufferer's and Survivors must find their humanity
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
4 hours of talking which only scraped the surface
What a RAD Tastic event that was! I had written a huge writeup of my "assessment" last night, but the page crashed and I lost about 45 minutes of work. (NOOOO!). So, I am taking a break from work to talk about the experience and what from a RAD perspective and a Life perspective what it was like talking for the first time in 12 years.
Liberatation is a good word to describe what I felt. My life, my story, my depression, drug abuse, sex abuse, suicidal thoughts and attempts, everything just started flowing. Of course, there weren't any tears as those dried up years ago but as the clinician asked me more about my life and RAD the more apparently interested she seemed to become.
we talked for over 3 and half hours of my problems in life and that wasn't even the half of it. As the person delved more into my life, she seems awfully suprised that I had accomplished the things I have in my life considering the amount of damage that was done to me as a child and a young adult. She was amazed when I said:
"I would happily give my life to bring back the animals I killed". A RAD Adult that developed a sense of remorse. Almost unheard of. Well, I am living proof that change is possible. If a peice of sh*t like me is capable of feeling something, anything with a battle of RAD, ANYONE can.
We talked alot about the sexual experiences that I had that I could remember which was a babysitter at the age of 9. The therapist believes that much more sexual abuse happened much earlier because I describe in graphic detail what happened with my babysitter.
**Below is extremely graphic, so I recommend that you read with caution or you skip it completely as it is a detailed account of my first known sexual experience with a caregiver.**
I remember the babysitter lying on her side making out with me. Don't ask me how I knew what I was doing, but I definetly did. I groped her breasts and she continued to kiss me. She told my brother to head off to bed and I knew what was going to happen.
We continued to kiss and and one point I had her top off, but she wouldn't let me take her bra off and I wanted to. I wanted to take her jeans off but alas, she wouldn't let me. I don't know why she wouldn't let me do this but that was fine in my book.
I also remember going upstairs with her and continued the makeout session. more groping of course. She never really "touched" me. I seemed to do all the work and ironically it was like I was a robot. I knew exactly what to do, when to do it and how, I just didn't understand the ramifications and the emotional attachments to sex. All I knew was I was enjoying making out with this topless blonde. Even at 9 years old it was a challenge trying to convince her to take her jeans off. I remember putting my hand on the button of her jeans and she pushed my hand away while still kissing me. It made no sense.
Eventually night ended and I headed off to sleep.
I told my readers that story to excercise a point. I was a sexual robot at the age of 9 years old. The issues surrounding that and many other sexual experiences I had as a young child already programmed into my brain told me I was good for one thing and one thing only. THe other experiences I had with female teachers, babysitters and others was a pervasive and very profound experience in my life.
We talked about why I killed my sisters cat and made her life hell for 18 years. It turns out she was my primary care giver when my adoptive parents were at work. When she left for Greece while I was still a child, I saw that as yet another abandonment and I lashed out by killing her cat.
We talked about the animal killing, how my sister detests my existence. We talked about how much horror I put my poor family through and how many people I have hurt in many ways over the years. The therapist could see the true Mike coming out. The Mike that is still a child, that is still living in an existence of suspended animation.
We also talked about the inhalant abuse. The fact that I huffed paint thinner for 6 months of my life and started talking backwards. I had to learn how to speak all over again. We talked about the RTC that said I was magically cured once funding ran out.
We also talked alot about my life as a child and my adoption. Pretty much everything.
We talked alot about suicide attempts, both passive and real. We talked about how I tried to hang myself, but the belt I used broke.
She said a few things to me that I needed to hear. That I should be pround that I have survived. She told me that I have done some amazing things and have accomplished so much. To me, that's moot.
I have to earn my families respect back. I have to earn the communities trust again. I have to accept no matter how much I love my sister she will never love me. I have to learn that my accomplishments, while meager to me may be inspiring change in others. I have to learn while I have done DEPLORABLE things to others, I can still repay them and MYSELF to the best of my abilities. I have to learn how to forgive myself.
The biggest insight that I had from that first meeting however, was the following:
I have worth.
I will write again, very soon.
Much love,
Michael
Liberatation is a good word to describe what I felt. My life, my story, my depression, drug abuse, sex abuse, suicidal thoughts and attempts, everything just started flowing. Of course, there weren't any tears as those dried up years ago but as the clinician asked me more about my life and RAD the more apparently interested she seemed to become.
we talked for over 3 and half hours of my problems in life and that wasn't even the half of it. As the person delved more into my life, she seems awfully suprised that I had accomplished the things I have in my life considering the amount of damage that was done to me as a child and a young adult. She was amazed when I said:
"I would happily give my life to bring back the animals I killed". A RAD Adult that developed a sense of remorse. Almost unheard of. Well, I am living proof that change is possible. If a peice of sh*t like me is capable of feeling something, anything with a battle of RAD, ANYONE can.
We talked alot about the sexual experiences that I had that I could remember which was a babysitter at the age of 9. The therapist believes that much more sexual abuse happened much earlier because I describe in graphic detail what happened with my babysitter.
**Below is extremely graphic, so I recommend that you read with caution or you skip it completely as it is a detailed account of my first known sexual experience with a caregiver.**
I remember the babysitter lying on her side making out with me. Don't ask me how I knew what I was doing, but I definetly did. I groped her breasts and she continued to kiss me. She told my brother to head off to bed and I knew what was going to happen.
We continued to kiss and and one point I had her top off, but she wouldn't let me take her bra off and I wanted to. I wanted to take her jeans off but alas, she wouldn't let me. I don't know why she wouldn't let me do this but that was fine in my book.
I also remember going upstairs with her and continued the makeout session. more groping of course. She never really "touched" me. I seemed to do all the work and ironically it was like I was a robot. I knew exactly what to do, when to do it and how, I just didn't understand the ramifications and the emotional attachments to sex. All I knew was I was enjoying making out with this topless blonde. Even at 9 years old it was a challenge trying to convince her to take her jeans off. I remember putting my hand on the button of her jeans and she pushed my hand away while still kissing me. It made no sense.
Eventually night ended and I headed off to sleep.
I told my readers that story to excercise a point. I was a sexual robot at the age of 9 years old. The issues surrounding that and many other sexual experiences I had as a young child already programmed into my brain told me I was good for one thing and one thing only. THe other experiences I had with female teachers, babysitters and others was a pervasive and very profound experience in my life.
We talked about why I killed my sisters cat and made her life hell for 18 years. It turns out she was my primary care giver when my adoptive parents were at work. When she left for Greece while I was still a child, I saw that as yet another abandonment and I lashed out by killing her cat.
We talked about the animal killing, how my sister detests my existence. We talked about how much horror I put my poor family through and how many people I have hurt in many ways over the years. The therapist could see the true Mike coming out. The Mike that is still a child, that is still living in an existence of suspended animation.
We also talked about the inhalant abuse. The fact that I huffed paint thinner for 6 months of my life and started talking backwards. I had to learn how to speak all over again. We talked about the RTC that said I was magically cured once funding ran out.
We also talked alot about my life as a child and my adoption. Pretty much everything.
We talked alot about suicide attempts, both passive and real. We talked about how I tried to hang myself, but the belt I used broke.
She said a few things to me that I needed to hear. That I should be pround that I have survived. She told me that I have done some amazing things and have accomplished so much. To me, that's moot.
I have to earn my families respect back. I have to earn the communities trust again. I have to accept no matter how much I love my sister she will never love me. I have to learn that my accomplishments, while meager to me may be inspiring change in others. I have to learn while I have done DEPLORABLE things to others, I can still repay them and MYSELF to the best of my abilities. I have to learn how to forgive myself.
The biggest insight that I had from that first meeting however, was the following:
I have worth.
I will write again, very soon.
Much love,
Michael
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
R.A.D. And Religion (Follow up to email)
Dear All,
I recieved an email today with some words of encouragement from a fellow blogger. This person thanked me for my writeup about R.A.D and religion and urged me to continue to write. Yes, it's dangerous. Yes, to tell a R.A.D. child they are going to hell for something they may have already done is terribly dangerous.
This blogger sent me a video link of something I thought I would share with my fellow readers. This my friends is simply shocking. I don't know what to say. To subject ANY child to this..let alone a R.A.D. child is simply unbelievable. I don't know what to say.
Thank you for sending this to me (You know who you are). I will let the video speak for itself. Thank you for encouraging me to continue writing even though I have gotten alot of hate mail these days.! LOL
One word: Wow
I recieved an email today with some words of encouragement from a fellow blogger. This person thanked me for my writeup about R.A.D and religion and urged me to continue to write. Yes, it's dangerous. Yes, to tell a R.A.D. child they are going to hell for something they may have already done is terribly dangerous.
This blogger sent me a video link of something I thought I would share with my fellow readers. This my friends is simply shocking. I don't know what to say. To subject ANY child to this..let alone a R.A.D. child is simply unbelievable. I don't know what to say.
Thank you for sending this to me (You know who you are). I will let the video speak for itself. Thank you for encouraging me to continue writing even though I have gotten alot of hate mail these days.! LOL
One word: Wow
Sunday, August 16, 2009
My Kidnapping (Graphic Post Warning)
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Pride hinder's our community's progress
Dear All,
WOW! What can I say! Two of RADOnline's staff DROVE over 1600 miles in three days. We got back and we were exhausted. 8 hours each way, and then another 6 hours in Ohio on Saturday. To say we are sick of cars, roads, traffic and heat is an understatement!! However, it was in the name of good so it was well worth the trip.
It's still hard to believe. 1600 miles in 3 days. ACK! So here I sit getting ready to do 10 miles on the treadmill. ACK!
_____________________________________________________________________
To everyone that read's my blog, everyone knows I am very, very pro awareness. Some think that I preach awareness to the point of being offensive and that's OK. As long a dialogue about everything R.A.D. it's good.
I spoke with an RTC CEO the other day and we agree that our community has to put it's differences and pride aside and begin to unite. The problem is pride. There are so many great forums and groups that have so many awesome ideas out there, it's truly amazing. Imagine for a moment if we could all come together and share our own ideas and stories to facilitate understanding and change without the fear of someone else's pride injected into the conversations.
I have spoken with ALOT of very educated, very successful people (Including PH.D's) over the last few weeks. Every single one of them are really amazing people. My conversations with them always end up with the same message:
We can change, but getting past pride and personal opinion is "an uphill battle" or "almost impossible". Really? Does it have to be that hard? I don't think so.
While I agree it's a tough fight, imagine the good we could do, imagine how many people we could inform if we all chose to say "Our opinion's are ours, but our message is paramount.". Imagine for a moment what we could say to the community and the WORLD if we could put aside our differences for a few weeks and simply talk as professionals, survivors, RAD Parents, RAD Kids and non profits.
We would prove to the world that our message is change, not personal gain or acknowledgement. We would show everyone around us our very message isn't muddled with the politics and religious beliefs that has kept our community in the dark (to an extent).
I will be the first to admit, that I have "ruffled some feather's" in the community, which of course was not exactly what I was intending to do but was done regardless. It is my true belief that dialogue begins with placing pride aside and acknowledging the fact that I am willing to listen to varying opinions. I would like to think that the people I have spoken with are open minded and willing to listen to other's points of view.
Our community, while fractured into smaller groups with their own ethos, their own core structure and their own personal views are wonderful groups. Each person, owner and blogger I have spoken with are GREAT people with wonderful messages. Imagine if we could all sit in a room and exchange ideas that are facilitating change and hope!!! Our community would be a much different place.
People that know me know that I am a very opinionated person and my own beliefs about RAD Awareness is my only goal right now. It's what I do, it's what I am. I believe that no one child or adult should have to suffer in this day and age with the resources that are available today. While some organizations don't necessarily agree with my point of view, that doesn't mean a healthy exchange of ideas isn't possible.
I want that exchange to happen, regardless of our differentiating points of view.
These groups, doctors, bloggers and clinicians are the glue that holds the RAD community together. All of us have a role to play. All of our messages are the same. Hope and healing. Everything else is pride and opinion. I wish all of us could remove that for a week and begin a massive dialogue. It would be truly awesome.
This entire post is of course an opinion! Wouldn't it be neat if someone emailed me and said "I DON'T agree with your position and this is WHY." At least it's constructive dialogue that begins a relationship that can eventually lead to effectual change.
Until our pride is off the table we are treading water in our own pools in our own backyards. We are only letting people in that we like, know and subscribe to our belief system.
Let's all meet at the YCMA and do some laps together, as a community.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
WOW! What can I say! Two of RADOnline's staff DROVE over 1600 miles in three days. We got back and we were exhausted. 8 hours each way, and then another 6 hours in Ohio on Saturday. To say we are sick of cars, roads, traffic and heat is an understatement!! However, it was in the name of good so it was well worth the trip.
It's still hard to believe. 1600 miles in 3 days. ACK! So here I sit getting ready to do 10 miles on the treadmill. ACK!
_____________________________________________________________________
To everyone that read's my blog, everyone knows I am very, very pro awareness. Some think that I preach awareness to the point of being offensive and that's OK. As long a dialogue about everything R.A.D. it's good.
I spoke with an RTC CEO the other day and we agree that our community has to put it's differences and pride aside and begin to unite. The problem is pride. There are so many great forums and groups that have so many awesome ideas out there, it's truly amazing. Imagine for a moment if we could all come together and share our own ideas and stories to facilitate understanding and change without the fear of someone else's pride injected into the conversations.
I have spoken with ALOT of very educated, very successful people (Including PH.D's) over the last few weeks. Every single one of them are really amazing people. My conversations with them always end up with the same message:
We can change, but getting past pride and personal opinion is "an uphill battle" or "almost impossible". Really? Does it have to be that hard? I don't think so.
While I agree it's a tough fight, imagine the good we could do, imagine how many people we could inform if we all chose to say "Our opinion's are ours, but our message is paramount.". Imagine for a moment what we could say to the community and the WORLD if we could put aside our differences for a few weeks and simply talk as professionals, survivors, RAD Parents, RAD Kids and non profits.
We would prove to the world that our message is change, not personal gain or acknowledgement. We would show everyone around us our very message isn't muddled with the politics and religious beliefs that has kept our community in the dark (to an extent).
I will be the first to admit, that I have "ruffled some feather's" in the community, which of course was not exactly what I was intending to do but was done regardless. It is my true belief that dialogue begins with placing pride aside and acknowledging the fact that I am willing to listen to varying opinions. I would like to think that the people I have spoken with are open minded and willing to listen to other's points of view.
Our community, while fractured into smaller groups with their own ethos, their own core structure and their own personal views are wonderful groups. Each person, owner and blogger I have spoken with are GREAT people with wonderful messages. Imagine if we could all sit in a room and exchange ideas that are facilitating change and hope!!! Our community would be a much different place.
People that know me know that I am a very opinionated person and my own beliefs about RAD Awareness is my only goal right now. It's what I do, it's what I am. I believe that no one child or adult should have to suffer in this day and age with the resources that are available today. While some organizations don't necessarily agree with my point of view, that doesn't mean a healthy exchange of ideas isn't possible.
I want that exchange to happen, regardless of our differentiating points of view.
These groups, doctors, bloggers and clinicians are the glue that holds the RAD community together. All of us have a role to play. All of our messages are the same. Hope and healing. Everything else is pride and opinion. I wish all of us could remove that for a week and begin a massive dialogue. It would be truly awesome.
This entire post is of course an opinion! Wouldn't it be neat if someone emailed me and said "I DON'T agree with your position and this is WHY." At least it's constructive dialogue that begins a relationship that can eventually lead to effectual change.
Until our pride is off the table we are treading water in our own pools in our own backyards. We are only letting people in that we like, know and subscribe to our belief system.
Let's all meet at the YCMA and do some laps together, as a community.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Slammed, shoved around, but still here, and still kicking
Dear All,
I know I haven't been posting as much but as you can imagine, I have a ton of stuff going on. A book just published, OFAAT to run (To mention, we may have snagged a new client) and of course, rad online.
I am writing today because I received a very disturbing email. Not from an angry ex girlfriend, not from a family member, but a professional contact that I hold in high regard. The contents of this email were at best not complimentary and it's really screwed my entire night/morning/work day up badly.
It really has me bugged. Then I realized why. This email wasn't about professionalism or working together for change, it's about a stupid, petty grudge. This email screamed "I am really mad at you for something" and wasn't a constructive look at anything.
That really has me bothered. I was taught in the professional working world, when the message of healing and hope are paramount that's all that matters and unity is more important. Professionalism trumps emotion every time and it seems like lately, some people I work closely with choose emotion.
I also realized just this morning a few things that have me both overjoyed and darn near exhausted at the same time.
Since RADOnline opened I have:
I know I haven't been posting as much but as you can imagine, I have a ton of stuff going on. A book just published, OFAAT to run (To mention, we may have snagged a new client) and of course, rad online.
I am writing today because I received a very disturbing email. Not from an angry ex girlfriend, not from a family member, but a professional contact that I hold in high regard. The contents of this email were at best not complimentary and it's really screwed my entire night/morning/work day up badly.
It really has me bugged. Then I realized why. This email wasn't about professionalism or working together for change, it's about a stupid, petty grudge. This email screamed "I am really mad at you for something" and wasn't a constructive look at anything.
That really has me bothered. I was taught in the professional working world, when the message of healing and hope are paramount that's all that matters and unity is more important. Professionalism trumps emotion every time and it seems like lately, some people I work closely with choose emotion.
I also realized just this morning a few things that have me both overjoyed and darn near exhausted at the same time.
Since RADOnline opened I have:
- Made great new professional contacts
- I have lost people who I thought were my friends
- I have been ORDERED to remove public content from rad online
- I have been told RAD Online is a "disappointment"
- I have spent hundreds of hours campaigning and networking
- I have lost contact (for whatever reason) with alot of people that used write to me on this blog all the time (Still stumped on that one)
- I am literally working all most 24 hours a day every day to stay on top of things
- I am heading out of town of which I am very excited, tomorrow.
I will probably change this blog over to RADOnline when I figure out how to do that, simply because this blog pertains more to RADOnline than OFAAT which is a totally separate bear.
A lot of negative things have happened since RADOnline has opened but a lot of positive things have happened as well. I am quickly learning that to bring a message of hope and galvanizing a community that is generally pretty quiet is a tough, tough thing.
I have not however given up, and I WON'T GIVE UP. RADOnline and it's volunteers have called news stations, forged alliances with really great RTC's, Non Profits and Blogs. We have also made INTERNATIONAL contacts as well!! RADOnline is getting ready to be covered on a LOCAL news station as well!!! We have contacted social agencies, foster care systems and the biggest one of them all:
The White House! (That's right! We mailed a R.A.D. Online informational packet directly to Obama!! Hand built, hand laminated, hand mailed!)
I will however not give up there. This is just the beginning. I guess from a "personal" perspective my message of positive change has to come at a cost. I have to be willing to lose friends I thought I had and I have to expect a certain amount of discord from those that don't see change and community as paramount.
Without sounding like I am rambling, I guess I am just feeling the effects of trying something that is massive in scale with many different views that will of course clash from time to time because R.A.D. is such a personal issue for so many families, I feel beaten up and bloody, but still hanging on. I feel as though I have been put through the proverbial ringer.
Well, that's all for now! I will have a ton of pictures of our trip to the RTC that RADonline is touring!
Hoping this blog finds you and finds you well.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/
Monday, August 10, 2009
My CHALLENGE to RAD Survivors.
Our sufferings are only in vain if we remain silent,
We are a band of brothers and sisters who have struggled against our own minds in a battle that has raged for years. We are a group of survivors that have given our tears, our blood and years of our lives to defeat an invisible enemy. We are the ones that professionals said "You will always be this way". We have survived. We have flourished. We have overcome the odds. We have not given up hope. We are stronger then we think and we have a powerful voice for all those willing to listen. Many want to listen.It's our turn now.
It's our turn to claim our lives. It's our turn to tell our stories. Today, we can rise as a group that have suffered and caused suffering. Our stories we can share with the hopes that another may not travel the paths that have caused so much suffering. Today we have the opportunity to talk about the shadows and the cold nights. Today, we quite literally may hold another's lives in our hands by the bravery to come forward and let the world know of our muddled, but powerful existence. Today, we can begin to repair the damage we have done through a collective voice of hope and healing. It's our turn to give back to so many people that dedicated their lives to our very survival.
We have suffered quietly and alone but no longer. We have a common bond of dried tears on our worn faces each with it's own tale of both happiness and tremendous sadness. The very destruction of our lives will be the rebirth of other's. We no longer have to live in shame. Today, we can stand together and save a life that's worth saving. Today, we can begin to repair the damage of our pasts with the cleansing acts of kindness towards another that is still quietly hiding in the dark.
No longer must another human being huddle in the corner of a dark room quietly suffering from the invisible enemy we all have come to know so well. Our trials, our tribulations, our tears have a meaning:To educate others.
Our sufferings have happened so that another may listen and learn from our stories. The insanity of our lives can bring calm to the storm in the mind of another that hasn't had the chance to realize their own potential voice. The cycle of silence must be broken and today, we can end that cycle with peace and understanding. The shame of our actions doesn't outweigh the possibility of a life we may save tomorrow. As we quietly sit in our homes, leaving our stories dormant collecting the proverbial dust, another is suffering our same fates. It doesn't have to be this way.
What I am asking takes bravery, it takes courage and it requires fortitude. We as R.A.D. survivors posses those qualities simply in the fact that we have survived everything we have. We ARE brave. We ARE courageous. We must overcome the fear of exposing our deepest fears of judgment and realize our most endearing quality: Strength.
We have survived and today we flourish. Let us help another flourish and live in the peace that we as human beings are given by our right to live. Let our voices serve as the testament to the human spirit that someone else believes they lack.
It's time to stand together as brothers, sisters and a family born through tragedy and strife. We are a family of survivors.
We must expose that tragedy and strife and lend our hands and our lives to those that need those qualities.
Otherwise, our sufferings are truly in vain.
We are a band of brothers and sisters who have struggled against our own minds in a battle that has raged for years. We are a group of survivors that have given our tears, our blood and years of our lives to defeat an invisible enemy. We are the ones that professionals said "You will always be this way". We have survived. We have flourished. We have overcome the odds. We have not given up hope. We are stronger then we think and we have a powerful voice for all those willing to listen. Many want to listen.It's our turn now.
It's our turn to claim our lives. It's our turn to tell our stories. Today, we can rise as a group that have suffered and caused suffering. Our stories we can share with the hopes that another may not travel the paths that have caused so much suffering. Today we have the opportunity to talk about the shadows and the cold nights. Today, we quite literally may hold another's lives in our hands by the bravery to come forward and let the world know of our muddled, but powerful existence. Today, we can begin to repair the damage we have done through a collective voice of hope and healing. It's our turn to give back to so many people that dedicated their lives to our very survival.
We have suffered quietly and alone but no longer. We have a common bond of dried tears on our worn faces each with it's own tale of both happiness and tremendous sadness. The very destruction of our lives will be the rebirth of other's. We no longer have to live in shame. Today, we can stand together and save a life that's worth saving. Today, we can begin to repair the damage of our pasts with the cleansing acts of kindness towards another that is still quietly hiding in the dark.
No longer must another human being huddle in the corner of a dark room quietly suffering from the invisible enemy we all have come to know so well. Our trials, our tribulations, our tears have a meaning:To educate others.
Our sufferings have happened so that another may listen and learn from our stories. The insanity of our lives can bring calm to the storm in the mind of another that hasn't had the chance to realize their own potential voice. The cycle of silence must be broken and today, we can end that cycle with peace and understanding. The shame of our actions doesn't outweigh the possibility of a life we may save tomorrow. As we quietly sit in our homes, leaving our stories dormant collecting the proverbial dust, another is suffering our same fates. It doesn't have to be this way.
What I am asking takes bravery, it takes courage and it requires fortitude. We as R.A.D. survivors posses those qualities simply in the fact that we have survived everything we have. We ARE brave. We ARE courageous. We must overcome the fear of exposing our deepest fears of judgment and realize our most endearing quality: Strength.
We have survived and today we flourish. Let us help another flourish and live in the peace that we as human beings are given by our right to live. Let our voices serve as the testament to the human spirit that someone else believes they lack.
It's time to stand together as brothers, sisters and a family born through tragedy and strife. We are a family of survivors.
We must expose that tragedy and strife and lend our hands and our lives to those that need those qualities.
Otherwise, our sufferings are truly in vain.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Religion and R.A.D. A possibly combustible mixture.
Dear All,
**This post is not meant to offend ANYONE. These are simply my thoughts. Religion is special for each person that it touches. While I don't hold a particular religious belief, It's not my intention to offend anyone of any particular religious interest! I respect everyone's religious background!**
Many of the forums that I have spoken with are "Faith based" forums and I have to tell you R.A.D. and religion don't mix well. I am not a particularly religious person (in fact organized religion in my mind is ridiculous to the point of absurdity).
I remember in a previous post at the age of 12 I thought I was the devil himself. Today, I realize why I believed this. I was TAUGHT that I was the devil. Every Sunday I listened to how I can't have sex before marriage, masturbation was a sin. In fact, almost everything was a sin in my mind.
The precedent had been set.
Many, many R.A.D kids and R.A.D. adults have been cast into a world of both abuse and horror that many people will never completely grasp. We have been the abusers, we have been abused, and for many of us, those horrible memories linger in the back of our minds, ready to strike when the time is right. Religion is a major player in the R.A.D. puzzle in my mind (I'm not a professional, just a R.A.D. survivor).
My parents took me to church because I guess they thought raising me in a Catholic home was a good thing. I can't blame them as they are very religious people. What they and I failed to realize was that everything those pious priests spoke against, I was already knee deep in. As a child, the message I took from religion was that sleeping with a school teacher meant instant hell for me. For a confused, angry child, religion can be an incendiary combination. No, I wasn't the devil, but the "devil" was in my life because of the acts that I engaged in before I understood the context of them. That only scared me.
I see bloggers that are DEEPLY religious going so far as quoting bible passages and I wonder what are their R.A.D. kids taking away from those messages? "Because I had sex when I was 9, I am going to hell?". As a R.A.D. survivor, I can tell you first hand I thought I was the devil because of the basic teachings trying to "save" me from a lifestyle that I had engaged in both freely and against my will. I can understand now why that association formed. Hell and brimstone.
Many R.A.D. kids have already had sex. Many R.A.D. kids and adults have killed. Many R.A.D. Kids and R.A.D. adults have abused. How children process something they don't understand by listening to terrifying stories of hell, the devil and damnation could very well only be making the child feel even worse and setting a precedence:
If I am already going to hell, why stop now? For years, I didn't stop, I only got worse. I was already dead and hell was the only place I was going. Why improve my life?
That's how, 27 years later I came to understand why I felt like the devil. when I was a child, night after night I would slice open an arm to see if I was bleeding, or if I was devoid of human blood and spirit. We have religion and it's absurdity partially to blame for that precedence. The messages that R.A.D kids take away from organized religion can be the exact opposite of what you want them to take away from it.
I say this to all highly religious parents and bloggers out there.
Be VERY careful with what your R.A.D. child takes away from religion and it's teachings. If not, they may very well be taking away a message that they are already doomed.
**This post is not meant to offend ANYONE. These are simply my thoughts. Religion is special for each person that it touches. While I don't hold a particular religious belief, It's not my intention to offend anyone of any particular religious interest! I respect everyone's religious background!**
Many of the forums that I have spoken with are "Faith based" forums and I have to tell you R.A.D. and religion don't mix well. I am not a particularly religious person (in fact organized religion in my mind is ridiculous to the point of absurdity).
I remember in a previous post at the age of 12 I thought I was the devil himself. Today, I realize why I believed this. I was TAUGHT that I was the devil. Every Sunday I listened to how I can't have sex before marriage, masturbation was a sin. In fact, almost everything was a sin in my mind.
The precedent had been set.
Many, many R.A.D kids and R.A.D. adults have been cast into a world of both abuse and horror that many people will never completely grasp. We have been the abusers, we have been abused, and for many of us, those horrible memories linger in the back of our minds, ready to strike when the time is right. Religion is a major player in the R.A.D. puzzle in my mind (I'm not a professional, just a R.A.D. survivor).
My parents took me to church because I guess they thought raising me in a Catholic home was a good thing. I can't blame them as they are very religious people. What they and I failed to realize was that everything those pious priests spoke against, I was already knee deep in. As a child, the message I took from religion was that sleeping with a school teacher meant instant hell for me. For a confused, angry child, religion can be an incendiary combination. No, I wasn't the devil, but the "devil" was in my life because of the acts that I engaged in before I understood the context of them. That only scared me.
I see bloggers that are DEEPLY religious going so far as quoting bible passages and I wonder what are their R.A.D. kids taking away from those messages? "Because I had sex when I was 9, I am going to hell?". As a R.A.D. survivor, I can tell you first hand I thought I was the devil because of the basic teachings trying to "save" me from a lifestyle that I had engaged in both freely and against my will. I can understand now why that association formed. Hell and brimstone.
Many R.A.D. kids have already had sex. Many R.A.D. kids and adults have killed. Many R.A.D. Kids and R.A.D. adults have abused. How children process something they don't understand by listening to terrifying stories of hell, the devil and damnation could very well only be making the child feel even worse and setting a precedence:
If I am already going to hell, why stop now? For years, I didn't stop, I only got worse. I was already dead and hell was the only place I was going. Why improve my life?
That's how, 27 years later I came to understand why I felt like the devil. when I was a child, night after night I would slice open an arm to see if I was bleeding, or if I was devoid of human blood and spirit. We have religion and it's absurdity partially to blame for that precedence. The messages that R.A.D kids take away from organized religion can be the exact opposite of what you want them to take away from it.
I say this to all highly religious parents and bloggers out there.
Be VERY careful with what your R.A.D. child takes away from religion and it's teachings. If not, they may very well be taking away a message that they are already doomed.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Sharing some of my life with the R.A.D. Community. (A suggestion from a friend)
Dear All, Since some of my friends think that I talk plenty of R.A.D. and nothing of myself, I thought I would share some outdoor pictures and some odds and ends with the community since many of you don't know a thing about me! :) :) So here goes!!!! Comments welcome!!!
Me taking a rest at the top of Hocking Hills. That hike damn near killed me!
MMMMM LUNCH AND DINNER! MRE's!!
A primitive survival shelter.
MMMMM LUNCH AND DINNER! MRE's!!
A primitive survival shelter.
A general pack loadout, cold weather operations
It was 20 degrees that day, Ohio River!!
10 degrees outside. Ohio River banks. Note the primitive Shelter! I was cooking food on fire heated rocks!!
Hiking at Eastfork Park. I didn't have a pack on because #1 way too warm #2 it was only a 7 mile hike through some basic hilly terrain. Note the military water canteen!
Me building a primitive hunting trap. No animals were harmed, simple a teaching tool.
A beautiful sunset picture on the ohio river bank. What you don't see is the 10 degree wind.
4am, building a firecone in 5 degree air.
My "walk for adoption" It was a 55 mile trek from Cincy to Dayton. Took 3 days. Not one news carrier covered the walk. Of course.
Me in my vagabonding outfitting. Notice the military trowel.
The view from the remote "Courthouse Rock" in the Red River Gorge. Note the military hunting/survival knife! Saweet!
Fall camping at the gorge. Note the firewood layout.
Me during my 55 mile trek to Dayton. I couldn't life weights, so I chopped alot of wood that day.
So there I am!!
It was 20 degrees that day, Ohio River!!
10 degrees outside. Ohio River banks. Note the primitive Shelter! I was cooking food on fire heated rocks!!
Hiking at Eastfork Park. I didn't have a pack on because #1 way too warm #2 it was only a 7 mile hike through some basic hilly terrain. Note the military water canteen!
Me building a primitive hunting trap. No animals were harmed, simple a teaching tool.
A beautiful sunset picture on the ohio river bank. What you don't see is the 10 degree wind.
4am, building a firecone in 5 degree air.
My "walk for adoption" It was a 55 mile trek from Cincy to Dayton. Took 3 days. Not one news carrier covered the walk. Of course.
Me in my vagabonding outfitting. Notice the military trowel.
The view from the remote "Courthouse Rock" in the Red River Gorge. Note the military hunting/survival knife! Saweet!
Fall camping at the gorge. Note the firewood layout.
Me during my 55 mile trek to Dayton. I couldn't life weights, so I chopped alot of wood that day.
So there I am!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
It's all our fault.
Dear All,
This post is probably going to get me into some trouble, but unpopular speech every once in a while must be embraced even with the limpest of arms. So, any mean, nasty or inflammatory posts will be automatically deleted.
It is our faults you know. Everyone knows what cancer is. Everyone knows what AIDS is. Everyone knows what bi-polar is. Almost no one knows what R.A.D. is. And it's us that we have to blame. We live in a world were information is transferred at light speed. We are more connected to one another than any other time in human history, and yet Reactive Attachment Disorder always receives the same response:
"What the hell is that".
Since my community portal has opened, I have been on the phone with reporters, doctors and social workers and the answer is always the same. "What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?" While blogging is a great way to expose the myth's of the disorder, more can be done. We can get out, we can speak, we can become united as a community and bring this terrible disorder to the table and begin a dialogue.
One of the problems (And this is just my opinion) that while blogging, forum browsing is a great way to get the message out online, it's not the kind of fundamental action that will FORCE school officials, lawmakers and members of our communities to listen to us. Each of our stories is an important puzzle of R.A.D. and each story is special.
I have heard the argument lately "Too many parents are scared of legal repercussions" by telling their stories. They are afraid they or their children will get into trouble. While I understand that fear, we have to consider as a community what good this is doing. Sure, we may be hiding behind the cloak of "Safety" but we aren't changing the minds and the perceptions of those around us. We are huddling together in our little online forums and blogs discussing issues that we already know about. We are a cliche and that's even worse then saying nothing.
As long as we as a R.A.D. community hide in the shadows afraid of the big bad bear another family may very well be trying to recover a picture out of a burned down home. This happened, recently in Ogden, Utah. Our inability to move past the realm of the online world is WHY no one knows what Reactive Attachment Disorder is. We need to do more and we can do more.
Every blogger out there has the strength, the courage and the fortitude that many other's in the world don't have. We should capitalize on that bravery and galvanize our group. We as an RAD community must come together and begin grassroots programs that don't depend on the online presence. Not everyone has a connection to the net, and not everyone can afford it. Some families have children right now clutching a kitchen knife threatening to kill someone. Are they somehow to magically find our blogs in hopes of some solace and understanding?
Once again, I am not saying the bloggers and forums aren't a great tool, they are. I salute everyone with the bravery to come forward. We must transcend this online world and step into the real one with our messages. They are all powerful messages. Your words could and may very well save a life, TODAY.
We can no longer hope that a family in trouble will find us. We need to find them. Our unified message of hope and healing should no longer remain in the shadows of a blog or a forum.
It's our fault the world doesn't know what R.A.D. is.
Tomorrow, however, is a different story.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
This post is probably going to get me into some trouble, but unpopular speech every once in a while must be embraced even with the limpest of arms. So, any mean, nasty or inflammatory posts will be automatically deleted.
It is our faults you know. Everyone knows what cancer is. Everyone knows what AIDS is. Everyone knows what bi-polar is. Almost no one knows what R.A.D. is. And it's us that we have to blame. We live in a world were information is transferred at light speed. We are more connected to one another than any other time in human history, and yet Reactive Attachment Disorder always receives the same response:
"What the hell is that".
Since my community portal has opened, I have been on the phone with reporters, doctors and social workers and the answer is always the same. "What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?" While blogging is a great way to expose the myth's of the disorder, more can be done. We can get out, we can speak, we can become united as a community and bring this terrible disorder to the table and begin a dialogue.
One of the problems (And this is just my opinion) that while blogging, forum browsing is a great way to get the message out online, it's not the kind of fundamental action that will FORCE school officials, lawmakers and members of our communities to listen to us. Each of our stories is an important puzzle of R.A.D. and each story is special.
I have heard the argument lately "Too many parents are scared of legal repercussions" by telling their stories. They are afraid they or their children will get into trouble. While I understand that fear, we have to consider as a community what good this is doing. Sure, we may be hiding behind the cloak of "Safety" but we aren't changing the minds and the perceptions of those around us. We are huddling together in our little online forums and blogs discussing issues that we already know about. We are a cliche and that's even worse then saying nothing.
As long as we as a R.A.D. community hide in the shadows afraid of the big bad bear another family may very well be trying to recover a picture out of a burned down home. This happened, recently in Ogden, Utah. Our inability to move past the realm of the online world is WHY no one knows what Reactive Attachment Disorder is. We need to do more and we can do more.
Every blogger out there has the strength, the courage and the fortitude that many other's in the world don't have. We should capitalize on that bravery and galvanize our group. We as an RAD community must come together and begin grassroots programs that don't depend on the online presence. Not everyone has a connection to the net, and not everyone can afford it. Some families have children right now clutching a kitchen knife threatening to kill someone. Are they somehow to magically find our blogs in hopes of some solace and understanding?
Once again, I am not saying the bloggers and forums aren't a great tool, they are. I salute everyone with the bravery to come forward. We must transcend this online world and step into the real one with our messages. They are all powerful messages. Your words could and may very well save a life, TODAY.
We can no longer hope that a family in trouble will find us. We need to find them. Our unified message of hope and healing should no longer remain in the shadows of a blog or a forum.
It's our fault the world doesn't know what R.A.D. is.
Tomorrow, however, is a different story.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Happiness and R.A.D. Two Words That Don't Mix
Dear All,
One issue that I never really tackled with R.A.D. is happiness. Those that suffer (or at least) never understood the basic idea of happiness. While I knew the definition of happiness, it was for me, just another word. I was more content hurting someone or something as opposed to being "happy". Sure, I had poignant moments, but the base emotion was totally devoid in my life.
I never understood why people hugged each other and I never really understood why families got together and did things together. I never really completely understood the concept of closeness and unity within a family unit. Joy for me wasn't in the context of healthy, natural things. It was of wanton destruction and depression.
My parents when I was younger talked about how I felt like a "Board" when I was younger. There was simply no connection to anything. I didn't understand why people laughed and had friends. It just made no sense to me.
Even today, it's still very hard to maintain friendships. I still question why ANYONE would want to befriend me, lest love me. It's an emotional disconnection that started 32 years ago. To live in a world without the need to connect was paramount for me.
It's extremely hard to describe. Marythemom asked me what it was like. I told her, it's not like I missed it, because I never understood the need to connect to anyone or anything. In this sense, the motel syndrome took over. (Once again email me about this) I was able to operate as a robot. Alone is what I understood and ironically I was as happy as one with R.A.D. could be.
To accent this point here is an example:
When I was younger I was buy some smokes and a group of guys asked me to come over and hang out. We sat around and talked for a while. It was kind of cool. We talked of course about women, beer and more women. You know, guy stuff. After about 25 minutes of talking, I ended up at home. However, for the next few hours I was bawling. Why? My case manager asked me why I cried about the event? I said "Because I have never really had someone just come up and talk to me like a regular person." This was partly my design.
Even to this day, I have a hard time connecting with other people simply because they don't share the same experiences that I have had. How could they? We meet others and have friendships based on common experiences. For me it is still very odd and uncomfortable to hug other people or have friendships. I don't have that switch in my body that says "Hey! This person is a friend, they aren't going to hurt you.". I have of course learned how not to self sabotage but I still maintain a big distance from other people.
For a R.A.D. person, (Instead of using the ubiquitous RAD CHILD), they live in a sea of people, totally alone, floating along waiting for rescue ship to come by that never does. It's living in a world on your own, even though those around you try to understand your situation but can't. It's a terrible place to be in.
There are still days where I have to remind myself I am trying to do good. I am trying to improve. And then there are days like today where nothing really matters and the depression takes over, full tide. These are days where I and every other R.A.D. survivor has to remind themselves they are beautiful people no matter what they have done or had done to them. It's day's today that RAD sufferer's have to reach out and begin to talk, even though it's the hardest thing for me/them to do.
Reaching out isn't another word in our vocabulary.
Michael
One issue that I never really tackled with R.A.D. is happiness. Those that suffer (or at least) never understood the basic idea of happiness. While I knew the definition of happiness, it was for me, just another word. I was more content hurting someone or something as opposed to being "happy". Sure, I had poignant moments, but the base emotion was totally devoid in my life.
I never understood why people hugged each other and I never really understood why families got together and did things together. I never really completely understood the concept of closeness and unity within a family unit. Joy for me wasn't in the context of healthy, natural things. It was of wanton destruction and depression.
My parents when I was younger talked about how I felt like a "Board" when I was younger. There was simply no connection to anything. I didn't understand why people laughed and had friends. It just made no sense to me.
Even today, it's still very hard to maintain friendships. I still question why ANYONE would want to befriend me, lest love me. It's an emotional disconnection that started 32 years ago. To live in a world without the need to connect was paramount for me.
It's extremely hard to describe. Marythemom asked me what it was like. I told her, it's not like I missed it, because I never understood the need to connect to anyone or anything. In this sense, the motel syndrome took over. (Once again email me about this) I was able to operate as a robot. Alone is what I understood and ironically I was as happy as one with R.A.D. could be.
To accent this point here is an example:
When I was younger I was buy some smokes and a group of guys asked me to come over and hang out. We sat around and talked for a while. It was kind of cool. We talked of course about women, beer and more women. You know, guy stuff. After about 25 minutes of talking, I ended up at home. However, for the next few hours I was bawling. Why? My case manager asked me why I cried about the event? I said "Because I have never really had someone just come up and talk to me like a regular person." This was partly my design.
Even to this day, I have a hard time connecting with other people simply because they don't share the same experiences that I have had. How could they? We meet others and have friendships based on common experiences. For me it is still very odd and uncomfortable to hug other people or have friendships. I don't have that switch in my body that says "Hey! This person is a friend, they aren't going to hurt you.". I have of course learned how not to self sabotage but I still maintain a big distance from other people.
For a R.A.D. person, (Instead of using the ubiquitous RAD CHILD), they live in a sea of people, totally alone, floating along waiting for rescue ship to come by that never does. It's living in a world on your own, even though those around you try to understand your situation but can't. It's a terrible place to be in.
There are still days where I have to remind myself I am trying to do good. I am trying to improve. And then there are days like today where nothing really matters and the depression takes over, full tide. These are days where I and every other R.A.D. survivor has to remind themselves they are beautiful people no matter what they have done or had done to them. It's day's today that RAD sufferer's have to reach out and begin to talk, even though it's the hardest thing for me/them to do.
Reaching out isn't another word in our vocabulary.
Michael
Sunday, August 2, 2009
What is a rage like?
What a rage is like.**Graphic post, read with discretion**
People have told me the people I hurt, the animals I killed and the general rampant destruction was a choice. I can tell you right now, from a R.A.D. perspective, there is no choosing involved. When a rage begins, the loss of control is a complex and the victim of a rage collapses into a darkness that I can only describe as one thing.
The abandonment of self.
The total lack of physical and mental control. It's a dark corner of your mind and your body that you literally have no control over. The only thing that you feel in a rage is a searing, white hot anger that has come from no where but you know it's been there the entire time, ready to bubble up again.
The only thing you want to do in an R.A.D. rage is kill and destroy. There is no choice, and nothing else matters. It's a deep and very profound experience that grips your mind and your body and that very lack of control makes it almost impossible to understand to the laymen or a parent who's house has just been burned down by an angry child.
The rages continued for me until something was dead, something was burned down or I was emotionally and or physically exhausted. There was no stopping me and anyone that did try to stop me would end up dead or in the hospital at the very least.
Rages differ from anger fits in that you can control and regulate your responses to outside or internal stimuli. With rages you cannot regulate that, and there is no magical switch. At least there wasn't one for me.
One particular incident that stands out with me, when I heard the neck snap of an animal that I threw against a wall, the anger only got worse. Not because I just killed again, but because I couldn't control what was happening. I couldn't stop my own hands from destroying whatever I saw.
In a rage, I could feel, I could understand and I could see what I was doing, but there was no way to regulate my actions. The anger came over me like a tidal wave and I was drowning in anger. When I would have rages I would stop thinking, my survival mechanics stopped.
The entire world stood still. It was only me and the anger, with no where to go. I was trapped in a hellish room and there was no door. I simply had to ride through the anger.
For those that don't understand, let's put a perspective to the actual event.
We all watch movies. We go to the theatre. We see a scary movie. We can see whats happening, we can hear and emotionalize, but we are out of control. We are along for the ride. That's exactly what a rage is like.
What is important (And I am not a professional) is finding the triggers that cause those rages. When I was a child, any time I perceived a loss the rages would instantly begin. When my sister left for Greece, I killed her cat. When I lost a girlfriend (Huge issue) I literally ripped my parents house apart from the ceilings to the carpet. Literally. Everything in the house was destroyed. Glasses broken, shelves tipped over, animals dead something burning.
Once the anger passed, I was usually clutching a dead animal or watching something burn. As soon as the rage passed, just like a tornado was in shock as I witnessed the destruction that I myself caused. This of course, only made it worse. I remember being 12 years old and crying myself to sleep, shocked that another animal was dead. I knew in my rages that animal was going to do but I didn't want to kill it. I wanted to die and I couldn't. I was in hell.
As much as i LOVED the violence, I detested it. I clung to it as a way to expression my emotion. Those of us that understand the expression of violence and why it plays such a huge role in a rage. We are fascinated with gore, with death and blood. It is no wonder that this fascination floods over when we rage. It's our best mechanic. It's a love/hate relationship. I can promise all R.A.D. parents these rages aren't ABOUT YOU. It's simply survival mechanic that unfortunately results in terrible loss of life, property and the abandonment of self.
I write this not to shock, and not to offend but educate. I am sharing this part of my life with the R.A.D. community so they may have a better look inside a rage and how they came to be with me. Perhaps, if we look deeper into the triggers of rage and the perceived/actualized loss model there will be less lives ruined by a R.A.D. rage.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
People have told me the people I hurt, the animals I killed and the general rampant destruction was a choice. I can tell you right now, from a R.A.D. perspective, there is no choosing involved. When a rage begins, the loss of control is a complex and the victim of a rage collapses into a darkness that I can only describe as one thing.
The abandonment of self.
The total lack of physical and mental control. It's a dark corner of your mind and your body that you literally have no control over. The only thing that you feel in a rage is a searing, white hot anger that has come from no where but you know it's been there the entire time, ready to bubble up again.
The only thing you want to do in an R.A.D. rage is kill and destroy. There is no choice, and nothing else matters. It's a deep and very profound experience that grips your mind and your body and that very lack of control makes it almost impossible to understand to the laymen or a parent who's house has just been burned down by an angry child.
The rages continued for me until something was dead, something was burned down or I was emotionally and or physically exhausted. There was no stopping me and anyone that did try to stop me would end up dead or in the hospital at the very least.
Rages differ from anger fits in that you can control and regulate your responses to outside or internal stimuli. With rages you cannot regulate that, and there is no magical switch. At least there wasn't one for me.
One particular incident that stands out with me, when I heard the neck snap of an animal that I threw against a wall, the anger only got worse. Not because I just killed again, but because I couldn't control what was happening. I couldn't stop my own hands from destroying whatever I saw.
In a rage, I could feel, I could understand and I could see what I was doing, but there was no way to regulate my actions. The anger came over me like a tidal wave and I was drowning in anger. When I would have rages I would stop thinking, my survival mechanics stopped.
The entire world stood still. It was only me and the anger, with no where to go. I was trapped in a hellish room and there was no door. I simply had to ride through the anger.
For those that don't understand, let's put a perspective to the actual event.
We all watch movies. We go to the theatre. We see a scary movie. We can see whats happening, we can hear and emotionalize, but we are out of control. We are along for the ride. That's exactly what a rage is like.
What is important (And I am not a professional) is finding the triggers that cause those rages. When I was a child, any time I perceived a loss the rages would instantly begin. When my sister left for Greece, I killed her cat. When I lost a girlfriend (Huge issue) I literally ripped my parents house apart from the ceilings to the carpet. Literally. Everything in the house was destroyed. Glasses broken, shelves tipped over, animals dead something burning.
Once the anger passed, I was usually clutching a dead animal or watching something burn. As soon as the rage passed, just like a tornado was in shock as I witnessed the destruction that I myself caused. This of course, only made it worse. I remember being 12 years old and crying myself to sleep, shocked that another animal was dead. I knew in my rages that animal was going to do but I didn't want to kill it. I wanted to die and I couldn't. I was in hell.
As much as i LOVED the violence, I detested it. I clung to it as a way to expression my emotion. Those of us that understand the expression of violence and why it plays such a huge role in a rage. We are fascinated with gore, with death and blood. It is no wonder that this fascination floods over when we rage. It's our best mechanic. It's a love/hate relationship. I can promise all R.A.D. parents these rages aren't ABOUT YOU. It's simply survival mechanic that unfortunately results in terrible loss of life, property and the abandonment of self.
I write this not to shock, and not to offend but educate. I am sharing this part of my life with the R.A.D. community so they may have a better look inside a rage and how they came to be with me. Perhaps, if we look deeper into the triggers of rage and the perceived/actualized loss model there will be less lives ruined by a R.A.D. rage.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
Friday, July 31, 2009
I found my voice on a river
Dear All,
I am doing my best to keep up with all the blogs I read, trying to get my book sold, I am gearing up for a survival lecture in August, headed out of state to check out a RAD RTC, I am also spearheading radonline, I am hip deep in a mailing campaign for that project and on top of all of that, I am trying to run a survival school at Eastfork State Park. If I don't reply on all the blogs that I read, it's not you..I am just bunched up for time!
**update: I will be having minor surgery as well...OY!**
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I found my my voice on the river.
(This is the FIRST time I have told this story, it's a very sacred story to me)
I decided last night, as I was leaving the emergency room that I would talk about something very special that happened to me a few years ago that I believe was the actual start of my recovery. I thought it would be best to talk about how I found my own voice after my life was completely destroyed and riddled with horrible memories.
I knew that deep down I had to make a fundamental change in my life. I didn't know how to do this. My survival mechanics were lying, stealing, drinking and manipulating. I didn't have a conscience. I had nothing to cling to. I had no friends, no job, no future. I both came to rely upon the very survival instincts that were killing me. In many respects, R.A.D. is a catch 22 in that the survival mechanics that R.A.D. sufferers will utilize are the very same mechanics that will eventually tear them apart.
My world was coming to an end very fast. It was either change or die.
That change came with a river.
While I was living with my parents (At the tender age of 30) I saw a movie called "Into The Wild". I saw the story of someone alot like myself. The story talks about how a young man had to shed his belief system in order to "Find himself". I won't spoil the story for those that haven't seen the movie. He travels across the country, seeing awe inspiring sights and learning to live with nothing. He was very much a vagabond and he was also trying to find that self realization and actualization.
This was the answer I was looking for. I knew what I had to do. I had to PROVE to MYSELF that I could, in effect, survive on my own. I had to prove to myself that I had self worth no matter how meager to others. It was paramount to my survival that I found that edge that I could straddle between life and death. I had to push the limits of myself in order to find my own values and core beliefs. It was time.
So, I started traveling into the woods. Deep into the back country. I would trek out without really telling anyone where I was going. It just so happened that the Ohio River was the spot where I found my own rebirth. This is great stuff, the stuff of legend that alot of people talk about but very few have the opportunity as adults to experience.
It was 22 degrees outside when I loaded up my military hiking pack with nothing but food, 1 set of clothes, a digital camera and nothing else. I was so fed up with my own life, I made the decision that I was going to measure myself against the elements. I was either going to freeze to death or I was going to walk out of the woods a different person. This, believed was the last chance I had to prove to myself that I could survive on my own, without hurting someone else in the process. If I froze to death, it would have been a noble undertaking in my opinion at the time. Change or die.
I set out on my journey along the Ohio Riverbanks, through thickets, hills, crevasses and I did have to ford the river in one place. I finally made it to the spot where I wanted set up camp. Oddly, I was proud of the fact I was able to make it so far. I could see a storm coming in. Considering the fact that I had no shelter, 1 set of clothes and I was already soaked, there was a serious danger of hypothermia.
I found some huge dead tree limbs. The garbage bag I brought with me was the only object that I had that could provide some shelter. I immediately started a fire and began building a survival shelter. It was hard work, and as the clouds loomed overhead, I had to shed clothes.
Before I knew it, I had found my value.
With my shelter complete, a warming fire started and munching down on an MRE the most beautiful thing in my life happened. It began to snow.
The riverbanks and the surrounding area were devoid of any sound, except the running river and the snow hitting my shelter. The pattering of the snow against my shelter reminded me without this object that I built with my own hands, on my own saved my life. Not only was I alive, I was with nature and I was seeing the most beautiful landscape that I have ever seen. The silence left me with nothing but own shadows to look upon.
I was so ecstatic that I had saved my own life and created something that was mine and mine alone I had to call a friend. I was almost shouting/crying about how beautiful and how proud I was of the accomplishment that I had made. I learned to survive without the constraints of the society I had come to hate with such passion. I was far away from all the people I had hurt and hurt me in return. I was in a place that was my own, that no one will ever be able to take away from me.
The snow, the smell of the fire, the running water and the fact that while I was shivering, I was alive was one of the purest expressions of happiness that I have ever experienced before. I was truly ALIVE.
What I did was extremely dangerous, but it was necessary. I had to challenge myself and face my own mortality. I had to learn how to live all over again.
My family of course was extremely confused. I was shedding the belief system that never fit me in adoption and building my OWN core belief system. I always knew my adoption felt more like a pre-fabricated life that didn't belong to me. All of the things that were taught to me weren't mine. They were someone else's. The more times that I walked into the woods alone, the more lessons I learned about my values and life.
My family didn't understand how a computer tech savvy person could transform into a bearded hiker that took too many dangerous chances in the woods. I am sure it was scary for my family and a few times, I came close to dying in the woods (but that's another story). Everything my adoptive family believed in and taught me never fit me. This was the real me. I was learning that the woods was my home. I was learning that that all the glamour and glitz and shiny gold plated dreams weren't for me.
The simplicity of learning to live my life on my own terms took over. The connections had I believe were finally reset. I had to learned to live with nothing and survive on my own.
Those days on the river are long gone and this is the first time I am talking about this experience with the community. For a long time, I only shared it with two other people on this planet. It's an important story and a story that I think is time to share.
There are still days where I long to be on the river. I long to feel the sting of freezing snow along a white landscape. There are still days I yearn to smell that fire all over again and listen to the pattering of snow hitting my shelter. I still long to hear the sound of silence. I still yearn to feel the biting half frozen water as I ford a river with a 50 pound pack.
I still hike and I still camp out but it's nothing like that winter years ago.
Perhaps, it's best to leave those waters behind and look towards new ones.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/
I am doing my best to keep up with all the blogs I read, trying to get my book sold, I am gearing up for a survival lecture in August, headed out of state to check out a RAD RTC, I am also spearheading radonline, I am hip deep in a mailing campaign for that project and on top of all of that, I am trying to run a survival school at Eastfork State Park. If I don't reply on all the blogs that I read, it's not you..I am just bunched up for time!
**update: I will be having minor surgery as well...OY!**
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I found my my voice on the river.
(This is the FIRST time I have told this story, it's a very sacred story to me)
I decided last night, as I was leaving the emergency room that I would talk about something very special that happened to me a few years ago that I believe was the actual start of my recovery. I thought it would be best to talk about how I found my own voice after my life was completely destroyed and riddled with horrible memories.
I knew that deep down I had to make a fundamental change in my life. I didn't know how to do this. My survival mechanics were lying, stealing, drinking and manipulating. I didn't have a conscience. I had nothing to cling to. I had no friends, no job, no future. I both came to rely upon the very survival instincts that were killing me. In many respects, R.A.D. is a catch 22 in that the survival mechanics that R.A.D. sufferers will utilize are the very same mechanics that will eventually tear them apart.
My world was coming to an end very fast. It was either change or die.
That change came with a river.
While I was living with my parents (At the tender age of 30) I saw a movie called "Into The Wild". I saw the story of someone alot like myself. The story talks about how a young man had to shed his belief system in order to "Find himself". I won't spoil the story for those that haven't seen the movie. He travels across the country, seeing awe inspiring sights and learning to live with nothing. He was very much a vagabond and he was also trying to find that self realization and actualization.
This was the answer I was looking for. I knew what I had to do. I had to PROVE to MYSELF that I could, in effect, survive on my own. I had to prove to myself that I had self worth no matter how meager to others. It was paramount to my survival that I found that edge that I could straddle between life and death. I had to push the limits of myself in order to find my own values and core beliefs. It was time.
So, I started traveling into the woods. Deep into the back country. I would trek out without really telling anyone where I was going. It just so happened that the Ohio River was the spot where I found my own rebirth. This is great stuff, the stuff of legend that alot of people talk about but very few have the opportunity as adults to experience.
It was 22 degrees outside when I loaded up my military hiking pack with nothing but food, 1 set of clothes, a digital camera and nothing else. I was so fed up with my own life, I made the decision that I was going to measure myself against the elements. I was either going to freeze to death or I was going to walk out of the woods a different person. This, believed was the last chance I had to prove to myself that I could survive on my own, without hurting someone else in the process. If I froze to death, it would have been a noble undertaking in my opinion at the time. Change or die.
I set out on my journey along the Ohio Riverbanks, through thickets, hills, crevasses and I did have to ford the river in one place. I finally made it to the spot where I wanted set up camp. Oddly, I was proud of the fact I was able to make it so far. I could see a storm coming in. Considering the fact that I had no shelter, 1 set of clothes and I was already soaked, there was a serious danger of hypothermia.
I found some huge dead tree limbs. The garbage bag I brought with me was the only object that I had that could provide some shelter. I immediately started a fire and began building a survival shelter. It was hard work, and as the clouds loomed overhead, I had to shed clothes.
Before I knew it, I had found my value.
With my shelter complete, a warming fire started and munching down on an MRE the most beautiful thing in my life happened. It began to snow.
The riverbanks and the surrounding area were devoid of any sound, except the running river and the snow hitting my shelter. The pattering of the snow against my shelter reminded me without this object that I built with my own hands, on my own saved my life. Not only was I alive, I was with nature and I was seeing the most beautiful landscape that I have ever seen. The silence left me with nothing but own shadows to look upon.
I was so ecstatic that I had saved my own life and created something that was mine and mine alone I had to call a friend. I was almost shouting/crying about how beautiful and how proud I was of the accomplishment that I had made. I learned to survive without the constraints of the society I had come to hate with such passion. I was far away from all the people I had hurt and hurt me in return. I was in a place that was my own, that no one will ever be able to take away from me.
The snow, the smell of the fire, the running water and the fact that while I was shivering, I was alive was one of the purest expressions of happiness that I have ever experienced before. I was truly ALIVE.
What I did was extremely dangerous, but it was necessary. I had to challenge myself and face my own mortality. I had to learn how to live all over again.
My family of course was extremely confused. I was shedding the belief system that never fit me in adoption and building my OWN core belief system. I always knew my adoption felt more like a pre-fabricated life that didn't belong to me. All of the things that were taught to me weren't mine. They were someone else's. The more times that I walked into the woods alone, the more lessons I learned about my values and life.
My family didn't understand how a computer tech savvy person could transform into a bearded hiker that took too many dangerous chances in the woods. I am sure it was scary for my family and a few times, I came close to dying in the woods (but that's another story). Everything my adoptive family believed in and taught me never fit me. This was the real me. I was learning that the woods was my home. I was learning that that all the glamour and glitz and shiny gold plated dreams weren't for me.
The simplicity of learning to live my life on my own terms took over. The connections had I believe were finally reset. I had to learned to live with nothing and survive on my own.
Those days on the river are long gone and this is the first time I am talking about this experience with the community. For a long time, I only shared it with two other people on this planet. It's an important story and a story that I think is time to share.
There are still days where I long to be on the river. I long to feel the sting of freezing snow along a white landscape. There are still days I yearn to smell that fire all over again and listen to the pattering of snow hitting my shelter. I still long to hear the sound of silence. I still yearn to feel the biting half frozen water as I ford a river with a 50 pound pack.
I still hike and I still camp out but it's nothing like that winter years ago.
Perhaps, it's best to leave those waters behind and look towards new ones.
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Finally, the tears have started flowing.
Dear All,
Once again, I apologize for not being around as much, I have been extremely busy and not able to write.
This morning, however, I will write. I am literally crying. It took me over 20 years to learn how to cry again after everything in my body told me it was wrong to cry. The only times that I would cry would be when I was extremely drunk. However, today I cry without that aid. There is a lot of pain and healing that must be achieved. R.A.D. has taught me not to care about anything but today, I am literal bawling.
Another loss.
My dog had a litter of puppies that I had to say goodbye to this morning. for 8 weeks I had to care for these dogs, feed them, play with them (Socialization) and we had good times watching them run around the house and play.
Alas, we don't have the means to take care of them, we have 4 small dogs as it is and it's hard taking care of them, let alone 4 puppies. We live in an apartment and these puppies scream and cry and make far too much noise. I feel selfish because if we keep them we will most assured be evicted. I am trapped. My promise to my higher power to the realities of being evicted with too many things going on. I am just in alot of pain right now, regardless of the situation.
I PROMISED GOD that never again would an animal suffer at my hands, and I feel like I have failed my promise. (I am crying even harder now). I feel beyond low. I PROMISED GOD that no matter what happened, no animal would ever again suffer because of my actions. I feel as though, by selling them to a pet store, I have banished them to a place that they don't know, they will cry at night and they will be scared AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE THEM FROM IT.
This ties directly in with Adoption. Most R.A.D. Parents understand what I am talking about. All too well. This is a loss that I cannot control. It is a trigger and even in my 30's I have to be very, very, very careful. I failed at yet again another promise. May my higher power help me.
I will not be able to control who takes them or how they will taken care of. I feel sick to my stomach at this very moment.
After the deaths of the animals at my own hands, years later I promised myself and my higher power that no animal would suffer at my hands ever again and I feel like it's happening all over again. I am totally and completely powerless. I hate feeling like this, I hate crying and even worse at my age, I am learning how TO FEEL.
They have bonded with me to an extent and I had to let them go. This ties in with adoption in many RADTastic ways. I just wish that the pain I feel would subside.
I have learned to live life by controlling everything around me. I have learned to live life alone and without feeling and now I know why. So THIS wouldn't happen. So I wouldn't feel any kind of pain and any pain that I did feel would be instantly quashed to a certain extent.
Now, I cannot stop but feeling anger, depression and helplessness. I feel like I am in a cage and I cannot escape.
Such little, beautiful and sacred lives are out of my control and I am not dealing with this very well at all.
It is in my hopes that these beautiful animals are given good homes. What will eat at me at night is knowing that they are somewhere that I cannot protect them.
This is like having my heart torn out of chest and thrown on the floor.
My father said "You are doing the best for them, you cannot take care all of these dogs, don't go south on me". While his attempt at solace didn't hold any water because we are still on different "Planes" I understand the point.
Today is going to be a very, very, very, very hard day. It's only 9am and I am bawling.
Progress at the expense of loss. Call that a R.A.D. catch 22
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/
Once again, I apologize for not being around as much, I have been extremely busy and not able to write.
This morning, however, I will write. I am literally crying. It took me over 20 years to learn how to cry again after everything in my body told me it was wrong to cry. The only times that I would cry would be when I was extremely drunk. However, today I cry without that aid. There is a lot of pain and healing that must be achieved. R.A.D. has taught me not to care about anything but today, I am literal bawling.
Another loss.
My dog had a litter of puppies that I had to say goodbye to this morning. for 8 weeks I had to care for these dogs, feed them, play with them (Socialization) and we had good times watching them run around the house and play.
Alas, we don't have the means to take care of them, we have 4 small dogs as it is and it's hard taking care of them, let alone 4 puppies. We live in an apartment and these puppies scream and cry and make far too much noise. I feel selfish because if we keep them we will most assured be evicted. I am trapped. My promise to my higher power to the realities of being evicted with too many things going on. I am just in alot of pain right now, regardless of the situation.
I PROMISED GOD that never again would an animal suffer at my hands, and I feel like I have failed my promise. (I am crying even harder now). I feel beyond low. I PROMISED GOD that no matter what happened, no animal would ever again suffer because of my actions. I feel as though, by selling them to a pet store, I have banished them to a place that they don't know, they will cry at night and they will be scared AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE THEM FROM IT.
This ties directly in with Adoption. Most R.A.D. Parents understand what I am talking about. All too well. This is a loss that I cannot control. It is a trigger and even in my 30's I have to be very, very, very careful. I failed at yet again another promise. May my higher power help me.
I will not be able to control who takes them or how they will taken care of. I feel sick to my stomach at this very moment.
After the deaths of the animals at my own hands, years later I promised myself and my higher power that no animal would suffer at my hands ever again and I feel like it's happening all over again. I am totally and completely powerless. I hate feeling like this, I hate crying and even worse at my age, I am learning how TO FEEL.
They have bonded with me to an extent and I had to let them go. This ties in with adoption in many RADTastic ways. I just wish that the pain I feel would subside.
I have learned to live life by controlling everything around me. I have learned to live life alone and without feeling and now I know why. So THIS wouldn't happen. So I wouldn't feel any kind of pain and any pain that I did feel would be instantly quashed to a certain extent.
Now, I cannot stop but feeling anger, depression and helplessness. I feel like I am in a cage and I cannot escape.
Such little, beautiful and sacred lives are out of my control and I am not dealing with this very well at all.
It is in my hopes that these beautiful animals are given good homes. What will eat at me at night is knowing that they are somewhere that I cannot protect them.
This is like having my heart torn out of chest and thrown on the floor.
My father said "You are doing the best for them, you cannot take care all of these dogs, don't go south on me". While his attempt at solace didn't hold any water because we are still on different "Planes" I understand the point.
Today is going to be a very, very, very, very hard day. It's only 9am and I am bawling.
Progress at the expense of loss. Call that a R.A.D. catch 22
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/
Friday, July 24, 2009
Once an idiot, now my dad
Once an idiot, now my dad.
My dad and I have always had the strained relationship that most families do, except I was the worst of the worst for over 25 years. My father, never gave up on me. The more people I hurt, the more animals I killed and the further I slipped into the abyss,he was there. I cannot say I loved him for a VERY long time. Loving anyone, ever was something that was totally foreign to me.
My father tried his best to raise me to be a good man. His attempts failed. I am sure in some way, he blames himself for some of the mistakes he made but just like the rest of us, he is human. I did awful, terrible things to my entire family. (My sister still hates me to this day) He did the best he could to raise me to be ethical, fair, professional and above all, kind.
That wasn't to be.
While I slid further down the slope of women, drugs, anger, depression and self loathing he was always there with his two dollar wisdom that to me, was totally ridiculous. "Life is like the beach, it's beautiful, but it can flood." What the did I care about beaches,what did I care about life. I wanted him dead, my family dead and I wanted me dead. All of his wisdom didn't take into account the fact that I was a broken person.
Many people in my life ran, but he never did. He learned to cope just like I did in our usual ways that sometimes meant manipulation of each other simply because that's how we chose to survive the events that I myself created. There wasn't a time in my life when I could ever remember us having a "normal" relationship. We were either debating, at each other's throats,totally exhausted with each other and other times, fighting with each other. Either way I look at it, his life and mine were two totally and tragic worlds.
He wanted a son that was a professional, someone who made a difference in the world. That was his tragedy.
My tragedy is that I couldn't live up to those standards.
I sometimes wonder why I had to do the things I did for 25 years suffering with R.A.D. I realize now that it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done and the damage that I have caused still hold myself accountable for. I have destroyed a lot of lives, including my own.
When I decided to find my birth family, I am sure my adoptive dad had the usual nervousness that accompanies that kind of journey. A father who didn't love his child could, but not my dad. My dad loves me to much. Today, I know that. Something happened that was much more profound than I could have ever imagined.
I realized that every time I sobbed over "I'm a terrible human being" emails that I would write in drunken stupors that I wasn't proving anything to him. All I was doing was wallowing in my own self loathing and I didn't even know it. Until a few months ago.
Since that time, I have opened up a RAD portal that I have spent hundreds of hours working on,I have self published a book, I run a non profit helping ANYONE with R.A.D. and I have dedicated myself to these programs. I literally go to sleep 1 hour after I finish work, and I wake up ready to sit in front of the computer and do it all over again. That's when I received the email that changed my life.
It was from my adoptive dad. He said, "I respect you and what your doing, I'm very proud of you".
I wanted to cry, but as many of you know I cried all my tears out long ago. Instead, I held my father in a new light. I saw him as my father for the first time in 25 years. I saw that I have become exactly what he wanted me to be.
Me.
Everyday is still a struggle overcoming the effects of R.A.D. Everyday, I have to learn how to live life over again. Every day I have think about how many years I spent trying to destroy myself.
BUT
Everyday now, I work 14-16 hour days with all three of my little companies. Everyday I want to help another person and promote RADOnline. Everyday I want to write something new. Every day I want to live the life of a free person. R.A.D. Survivors will tell you that R.A.D. is prison, and it is.
My dad See's me, at least in part, out of prison. He is beginning to see (I think) all of those morals, values and philosophical beliefs I thought to be crap coming from me. He is seeing a changed man, and he is changing with me. We are beginning our relationship NOW.
Those 25 years he wasn't my dad he was idiot.
Today, he's my father.
Michael
http://rad-online.org
http://ofaat.org
My dad and I have always had the strained relationship that most families do, except I was the worst of the worst for over 25 years. My father, never gave up on me. The more people I hurt, the more animals I killed and the further I slipped into the abyss,he was there. I cannot say I loved him for a VERY long time. Loving anyone, ever was something that was totally foreign to me.
My father tried his best to raise me to be a good man. His attempts failed. I am sure in some way, he blames himself for some of the mistakes he made but just like the rest of us, he is human. I did awful, terrible things to my entire family. (My sister still hates me to this day) He did the best he could to raise me to be ethical, fair, professional and above all, kind.
That wasn't to be.
While I slid further down the slope of women, drugs, anger, depression and self loathing he was always there with his two dollar wisdom that to me, was totally ridiculous. "Life is like the beach, it's beautiful, but it can flood." What the did I care about beaches,what did I care about life. I wanted him dead, my family dead and I wanted me dead. All of his wisdom didn't take into account the fact that I was a broken person.
Many people in my life ran, but he never did. He learned to cope just like I did in our usual ways that sometimes meant manipulation of each other simply because that's how we chose to survive the events that I myself created. There wasn't a time in my life when I could ever remember us having a "normal" relationship. We were either debating, at each other's throats,totally exhausted with each other and other times, fighting with each other. Either way I look at it, his life and mine were two totally and tragic worlds.
He wanted a son that was a professional, someone who made a difference in the world. That was his tragedy.
My tragedy is that I couldn't live up to those standards.
I sometimes wonder why I had to do the things I did for 25 years suffering with R.A.D. I realize now that it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done and the damage that I have caused still hold myself accountable for. I have destroyed a lot of lives, including my own.
When I decided to find my birth family, I am sure my adoptive dad had the usual nervousness that accompanies that kind of journey. A father who didn't love his child could, but not my dad. My dad loves me to much. Today, I know that. Something happened that was much more profound than I could have ever imagined.
I realized that every time I sobbed over "I'm a terrible human being" emails that I would write in drunken stupors that I wasn't proving anything to him. All I was doing was wallowing in my own self loathing and I didn't even know it. Until a few months ago.
Since that time, I have opened up a RAD portal that I have spent hundreds of hours working on,I have self published a book, I run a non profit helping ANYONE with R.A.D. and I have dedicated myself to these programs. I literally go to sleep 1 hour after I finish work, and I wake up ready to sit in front of the computer and do it all over again. That's when I received the email that changed my life.
It was from my adoptive dad. He said, "I respect you and what your doing, I'm very proud of you".
I wanted to cry, but as many of you know I cried all my tears out long ago. Instead, I held my father in a new light. I saw him as my father for the first time in 25 years. I saw that I have become exactly what he wanted me to be.
Me.
Everyday is still a struggle overcoming the effects of R.A.D. Everyday, I have to learn how to live life over again. Every day I have think about how many years I spent trying to destroy myself.
BUT
Everyday now, I work 14-16 hour days with all three of my little companies. Everyday I want to help another person and promote RADOnline. Everyday I want to write something new. Every day I want to live the life of a free person. R.A.D. Survivors will tell you that R.A.D. is prison, and it is.
My dad See's me, at least in part, out of prison. He is beginning to see (I think) all of those morals, values and philosophical beliefs I thought to be crap coming from me. He is seeing a changed man, and he is changing with me. We are beginning our relationship NOW.
Those 25 years he wasn't my dad he was idiot.
Today, he's my father.
Michael
http://rad-online.org
http://ofaat.org
Monday, July 20, 2009
Inspiring hope means more then uttering the word
Dear All,
Sorry I haven't been blogging as much or browsing other blogs lately. My community project has eaten up any extra time that I DID have. I thought I would write something inspirational to all those RADtastic parents and sufferer's as opposed to writing about my life with R.A.D.
Hope is more then praying. I had the honor of meeting a 1 and a half year old child today with the sure signs of R.A.D. (However, one cannot be diagnosed with R.A.D. until they are of verbal age, hence, cognitive therapy is very difficult). This child, had a beautiful smile, but at the same time, the eyes and the facial expressions of a very angry child. I will wait to tell her story until the family chooses us to represent them as clients.
Anyways, at the end of this meeting a very thankful RAD mom said to us "You were sent to us by angels". That kind of perked my ears up. I detest organized religion but I don't detest those that practice their religions. To each their own, as long as it makes them happy.
There is more to "hope" then prayer however or the assumption of fulfilled prophecies. Hope is hard work. It's more then praying for change. It's more than wishing things to change for you or those around you. It's sweat, tears and above all, sacrifice. Too many times I have heard the word "Hope" tossed around the proverbial room as if it was a catch phrase for change. Many people HOPE things change. I listen to R.A.D. parents say they "Hope" things will change. Those of you who know better know that "Hope" isn't talking, it's acting.
I have had the pleasure and the honor to speak with many families that call me all kinds of wonderful things. People say I am a R.A.D. warrior. I have been called "Strong". I have had parents thank me for speaking about R.A.D. My point is, I want to inspire hope through hard work, just as many R.A.D. parents are doing right now. They are inspiring hope through their selfless acts of love, courage and fortitude with very difficult children.
Every day, ALL of us have the chance to provide hope for everyone around us by our positive and giving actions. We all have the opportunity to make someone smile, someone laugh or provide our self inflicted wisdom to someone who needs help. Every minute, we have a chance to provide love, affection, a shoulder and an ear. The smallest things we do can impact a life on such a profound scale and we can start providing hope for our community right now. There are no time limits on providing hope to others.
It becomes a question of when we decide to stop having the world revolve around ourselves before we can utter the words "Hope" to another human being. When we decide to extend our hands to whoever needs help and honestly wants that help will hope form. Otherwise, "Hope" is just another word we use to describe a quality we don't know how to give to another human being. It's just a word.
I wonder how many people realize how difficult R.A.D. children are. The parents of these children are the ones I salute today. Today, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that what you are doing is providing TRUE HOPE. If the world had 30 percent more of people like yourselves, our world would be so different.
Whenever someone asks me (And I am getting alot less emails these days, oddly) "how can I help my child?" One thing I say is "Continue providing hope for your children".
Hope saves lives and redeems broken ones. It gives light to the darkest areas of a troubled life. It provides solace in a R.A.D. child's life. Keep doing the good that you are doing, even if you don't think your doing a good job. Most likely, you are and that word "Hope" actually means something.
Yes, today, because of you, Hope is alive and well.
Michael
Sorry I haven't been blogging as much or browsing other blogs lately. My community project has eaten up any extra time that I DID have. I thought I would write something inspirational to all those RADtastic parents and sufferer's as opposed to writing about my life with R.A.D.
Hope is more then praying. I had the honor of meeting a 1 and a half year old child today with the sure signs of R.A.D. (However, one cannot be diagnosed with R.A.D. until they are of verbal age, hence, cognitive therapy is very difficult). This child, had a beautiful smile, but at the same time, the eyes and the facial expressions of a very angry child. I will wait to tell her story until the family chooses us to represent them as clients.
Anyways, at the end of this meeting a very thankful RAD mom said to us "You were sent to us by angels". That kind of perked my ears up. I detest organized religion but I don't detest those that practice their religions. To each their own, as long as it makes them happy.
There is more to "hope" then prayer however or the assumption of fulfilled prophecies. Hope is hard work. It's more then praying for change. It's more than wishing things to change for you or those around you. It's sweat, tears and above all, sacrifice. Too many times I have heard the word "Hope" tossed around the proverbial room as if it was a catch phrase for change. Many people HOPE things change. I listen to R.A.D. parents say they "Hope" things will change. Those of you who know better know that "Hope" isn't talking, it's acting.
I have had the pleasure and the honor to speak with many families that call me all kinds of wonderful things. People say I am a R.A.D. warrior. I have been called "Strong". I have had parents thank me for speaking about R.A.D. My point is, I want to inspire hope through hard work, just as many R.A.D. parents are doing right now. They are inspiring hope through their selfless acts of love, courage and fortitude with very difficult children.
Every day, ALL of us have the chance to provide hope for everyone around us by our positive and giving actions. We all have the opportunity to make someone smile, someone laugh or provide our self inflicted wisdom to someone who needs help. Every minute, we have a chance to provide love, affection, a shoulder and an ear. The smallest things we do can impact a life on such a profound scale and we can start providing hope for our community right now. There are no time limits on providing hope to others.
It becomes a question of when we decide to stop having the world revolve around ourselves before we can utter the words "Hope" to another human being. When we decide to extend our hands to whoever needs help and honestly wants that help will hope form. Otherwise, "Hope" is just another word we use to describe a quality we don't know how to give to another human being. It's just a word.
I wonder how many people realize how difficult R.A.D. children are. The parents of these children are the ones I salute today. Today, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that what you are doing is providing TRUE HOPE. If the world had 30 percent more of people like yourselves, our world would be so different.
Whenever someone asks me (And I am getting alot less emails these days, oddly) "how can I help my child?" One thing I say is "Continue providing hope for your children".
Hope saves lives and redeems broken ones. It gives light to the darkest areas of a troubled life. It provides solace in a R.A.D. child's life. Keep doing the good that you are doing, even if you don't think your doing a good job. Most likely, you are and that word "Hope" actually means something.
Yes, today, because of you, Hope is alive and well.
Michael
Sunday, July 19, 2009
My call to Lindy. I hear you. I am listening.
Dear Lindy,
Considering your lengthy post, I thought I would write an entire blog just for you. I could feel the desperation, the anger and the frustration in your voice. I, if no one else understands what trials your child is putting your family through at this very troubling hour. I can totally understand the futile and fruitless "Love him more" speeches that I am sure you receive daily.
Your post touched me because I was the exact same way when I was his age. You mentioned in your post that he wants too "Kill someone" that's his goal. Is it? Does a 12 year old understand the implications of death as you and I do? Probably not. I surely didn't understand or know about the horrible nightmares that I would have for years as I felt the warm blood of an animal running down the sides of my hand after a particularly bad rage. I wonder, Lindy if your son isn't trying to communicate with you the only way that he knows how.
To tell you everything is going to be ok, is of course bull crap. Your son, as destructive as he is and how EVIL he seems is still a very hurt, confused child. The sentence you wrote struck me as odd. "His goal is to kill someone." Did he say this to you? Or is that an educated assumption on your part? We have to nail that down first.
My parents did the same thing. They locked their doors at night because they thought that based upon my actions I would KILL them. I wouldn't. Even as a child with R.A.D. I knew what the limits were. I knew that while I hated my adopted family (And they hated me at times) their deaths wouldn't fit into my plans of manipulation and shock value tactics. As I read more about your son, my non clinical mind says this is a shock tactic. Even dangerous and physically threatening, it's still a tactic that the R.A.D. child will use.
They want your attention and a RAD Child will get it one way or another. Killing, stealing, abusing, fire starting, lying, cheating. Whatever we find that will scare you and start a pre-emptive confrontation that ultimately, the R.A.D. child will control. In some ways I loved the fact that my family both hated and feared me. I was in control of the situation 100 percent. This allowed me total freedom (Or at least I thought) to continue acting out. And of course, as we know acting out is about emotional expression.
I know that right now, you are afraid, you are pissed and you want to give in. You can't. That child, no matter how damaged he is, he is still a child. He still has a chance at a somewhat normal life. You are the instrument that is keeping him alive and without you, his chances of survival drop tremendously. You are quite literally his savior.
Underneath all of that anger is simply a child that doesn't know how to verbalize and vocalize his experiences in a way that you can understand. What you do understand, however is violence and fear. That's his way of reaching out. (I know, that sounds really messed up). The more that you react to this the more he controls. Considering the frustration non verbally expressed in your post to me, it sounds like he has really worked your family over. I know how hard this is for you and your family. I know.
What I am about to say may make you angry, maybe not. You CANNOT give up. If you give up, or you react negatively to him, he wins. I hear all the time "I would NEVER give up on my child" but I know that we ALL question our dedication to something. Don't give up.
If your child is physically in danger of hurting you, your children, animals you must, of course seek intervention. You must draw the line and injury/death is of course one line he must not be able to cross. Dare I say it, but if the police need to be involved, use them. His life, your life, your children's lives or another's life must be considered first.
My good friend Lisa Amos and I agree that RAD kids are hurt animals. Have you ever tried to approach an angry cat? They may love you but if your in their way they will fight to the death to keep themselves safe. That's a perfect definition of a R.A.D. kid. Your child is hurt, angry, confused and feels alone in a see of people and may be suffering from "Motel Syndrome". Email me about "Motel Syndrome". It's a very interesting concept.
I don't know much about the rest of your story, so really that's all the advice I can give you. Based on your post, I can feel how much you love your son. These trying times are probably the worst you have ever experienced and I also know how angry you are. I always like to say "Stay the course" I know that sometimes you have no clue where that course is headed.
Either way, your child no matter how crazy and maniacal he may act is still a hurt human being that needs you. The choice of adopting him is on your shoulders and I know the weight right now is overpowering. No matter what happens, I PROMISE you, one day he will thank you for being as strong as you are right now.
It may not come for years and during those years he may curse your existence. The day however, he sits down with you, looks into your weathered eyes and says "I was a terrible son, but you saved my life...Thank you" will be worth everything you are going through now.
Remember! Keep yourself, your family and the community around you safe. If you feel that your child is an immediate danger, seek intervention.
Sincerely with love and regards,
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
Considering your lengthy post, I thought I would write an entire blog just for you. I could feel the desperation, the anger and the frustration in your voice. I, if no one else understands what trials your child is putting your family through at this very troubling hour. I can totally understand the futile and fruitless "Love him more" speeches that I am sure you receive daily.
Your post touched me because I was the exact same way when I was his age. You mentioned in your post that he wants too "Kill someone" that's his goal. Is it? Does a 12 year old understand the implications of death as you and I do? Probably not. I surely didn't understand or know about the horrible nightmares that I would have for years as I felt the warm blood of an animal running down the sides of my hand after a particularly bad rage. I wonder, Lindy if your son isn't trying to communicate with you the only way that he knows how.
To tell you everything is going to be ok, is of course bull crap. Your son, as destructive as he is and how EVIL he seems is still a very hurt, confused child. The sentence you wrote struck me as odd. "His goal is to kill someone." Did he say this to you? Or is that an educated assumption on your part? We have to nail that down first.
My parents did the same thing. They locked their doors at night because they thought that based upon my actions I would KILL them. I wouldn't. Even as a child with R.A.D. I knew what the limits were. I knew that while I hated my adopted family (And they hated me at times) their deaths wouldn't fit into my plans of manipulation and shock value tactics. As I read more about your son, my non clinical mind says this is a shock tactic. Even dangerous and physically threatening, it's still a tactic that the R.A.D. child will use.
They want your attention and a RAD Child will get it one way or another. Killing, stealing, abusing, fire starting, lying, cheating. Whatever we find that will scare you and start a pre-emptive confrontation that ultimately, the R.A.D. child will control. In some ways I loved the fact that my family both hated and feared me. I was in control of the situation 100 percent. This allowed me total freedom (Or at least I thought) to continue acting out. And of course, as we know acting out is about emotional expression.
I know that right now, you are afraid, you are pissed and you want to give in. You can't. That child, no matter how damaged he is, he is still a child. He still has a chance at a somewhat normal life. You are the instrument that is keeping him alive and without you, his chances of survival drop tremendously. You are quite literally his savior.
Underneath all of that anger is simply a child that doesn't know how to verbalize and vocalize his experiences in a way that you can understand. What you do understand, however is violence and fear. That's his way of reaching out. (I know, that sounds really messed up). The more that you react to this the more he controls. Considering the frustration non verbally expressed in your post to me, it sounds like he has really worked your family over. I know how hard this is for you and your family. I know.
What I am about to say may make you angry, maybe not. You CANNOT give up. If you give up, or you react negatively to him, he wins. I hear all the time "I would NEVER give up on my child" but I know that we ALL question our dedication to something. Don't give up.
If your child is physically in danger of hurting you, your children, animals you must, of course seek intervention. You must draw the line and injury/death is of course one line he must not be able to cross. Dare I say it, but if the police need to be involved, use them. His life, your life, your children's lives or another's life must be considered first.
My good friend Lisa Amos and I agree that RAD kids are hurt animals. Have you ever tried to approach an angry cat? They may love you but if your in their way they will fight to the death to keep themselves safe. That's a perfect definition of a R.A.D. kid. Your child is hurt, angry, confused and feels alone in a see of people and may be suffering from "Motel Syndrome". Email me about "Motel Syndrome". It's a very interesting concept.
I don't know much about the rest of your story, so really that's all the advice I can give you. Based on your post, I can feel how much you love your son. These trying times are probably the worst you have ever experienced and I also know how angry you are. I always like to say "Stay the course" I know that sometimes you have no clue where that course is headed.
Either way, your child no matter how crazy and maniacal he may act is still a hurt human being that needs you. The choice of adopting him is on your shoulders and I know the weight right now is overpowering. No matter what happens, I PROMISE you, one day he will thank you for being as strong as you are right now.
It may not come for years and during those years he may curse your existence. The day however, he sits down with you, looks into your weathered eyes and says "I was a terrible son, but you saved my life...Thank you" will be worth everything you are going through now.
Remember! Keep yourself, your family and the community around you safe. If you feel that your child is an immediate danger, seek intervention.
Sincerely with love and regards,
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
My message to RAD Sufferer's Young And Old: Your not alone
Dear all,
As you can imagine, getting rad-online.org up and running has been a massive undertaking. However, despite that challenge, I am blogging again targeted at R.A.D. sufferer's young and old today. This is for them and I hope those that don't have the strength to speak up and speak out find solace in this post, as it both heartfelt and genuine.
As I sit hear listening to some of my favorite and very emotional music I wonder how many more like me are out there, listening to their own music. I wonder how many people I can reach before they end up like me, or if they are like me, how can I help them today. I look out the window and I wonder how many people are ready to end their lives or start living them again.
I wonder how many children, teens and adults will cry and wrestle with the feelings of utter contempt over their lives and the life they feel was taken from them. I ask myself, how will the people I hurt during my RAD years go to sleep knowing I have gotten better, while they may still be hurting.
We as RAD survivors fight not only with the demons of our past, but the sins we have committed. It's a constant tug of war battle that seems never ending and insurmountable. I question how many out there afflicted with RAD will kill an animal, hurt themselves or someone else not because they want to but because they have to. It's the only way they know how to communicate their particular emotions. I wonder how many afflicted will assist in the destruction of their families or begin trying to repair the damage they have done.
The cycle it seems, is never ending. More and more afflicted will continue to spring up and stay in the shadows, vowing that their actions good and bad should never be spoken of.
How alone we feel in the world surrounded by others trying to help us is immaterial to us. The damage has been done.
Everyday I ask myself how I can help another family. I cannot repay, repair or release the burden of my actions from those I have hurt or who have hurt me.
The only thing I can say to R.A.D. sufferer's is this:
I understand and you aren't alone. If it means writing to me tonight instead of going out and doing something crazy, young or old, please write. Don't make the mistakes that I made and that I am still 20 years later reeling from. Don't let those raw, bleeding emotions drive you to the horrors that I know you want to surrender to.
When you scream " You don't understand", I do understand. When you cry, thinking the thoughts of rage I understand those thoughts and you aren't alone in that struggle. We as a RAD Community are labeled as damaged beyond repair at times, but we aren't. No matter what has happened to you, or what you have done, you are not damaged beyond repair. You are beautiful and your voice has meaning. Trust me from experience. You are worth more than you think.
It's too easy to surrender and almost impossible to fight sometimes. That, I know. I know how hard it is to lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and wishing a plane would crash into your roof. I know about the nightmares, the hate, and the need to destroy the word and watch it burn. I understand and know the struggle and strife that has riddled your life with tears and holes.
That's all I can do for you from here. I can listen. I can write back. If simple words to another human being is what it takes to support you, I am here and willing to listen, even if you think no one else is.
Sincerely,
Michael
As you can imagine, getting rad-online.org up and running has been a massive undertaking. However, despite that challenge, I am blogging again targeted at R.A.D. sufferer's young and old today. This is for them and I hope those that don't have the strength to speak up and speak out find solace in this post, as it both heartfelt and genuine.
As I sit hear listening to some of my favorite and very emotional music I wonder how many more like me are out there, listening to their own music. I wonder how many people I can reach before they end up like me, or if they are like me, how can I help them today. I look out the window and I wonder how many people are ready to end their lives or start living them again.
I wonder how many children, teens and adults will cry and wrestle with the feelings of utter contempt over their lives and the life they feel was taken from them. I ask myself, how will the people I hurt during my RAD years go to sleep knowing I have gotten better, while they may still be hurting.
We as RAD survivors fight not only with the demons of our past, but the sins we have committed. It's a constant tug of war battle that seems never ending and insurmountable. I question how many out there afflicted with RAD will kill an animal, hurt themselves or someone else not because they want to but because they have to. It's the only way they know how to communicate their particular emotions. I wonder how many afflicted will assist in the destruction of their families or begin trying to repair the damage they have done.
The cycle it seems, is never ending. More and more afflicted will continue to spring up and stay in the shadows, vowing that their actions good and bad should never be spoken of.
How alone we feel in the world surrounded by others trying to help us is immaterial to us. The damage has been done.
Everyday I ask myself how I can help another family. I cannot repay, repair or release the burden of my actions from those I have hurt or who have hurt me.
The only thing I can say to R.A.D. sufferer's is this:
I understand and you aren't alone. If it means writing to me tonight instead of going out and doing something crazy, young or old, please write. Don't make the mistakes that I made and that I am still 20 years later reeling from. Don't let those raw, bleeding emotions drive you to the horrors that I know you want to surrender to.
When you scream " You don't understand", I do understand. When you cry, thinking the thoughts of rage I understand those thoughts and you aren't alone in that struggle. We as a RAD Community are labeled as damaged beyond repair at times, but we aren't. No matter what has happened to you, or what you have done, you are not damaged beyond repair. You are beautiful and your voice has meaning. Trust me from experience. You are worth more than you think.
It's too easy to surrender and almost impossible to fight sometimes. That, I know. I know how hard it is to lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and wishing a plane would crash into your roof. I know about the nightmares, the hate, and the need to destroy the word and watch it burn. I understand and know the struggle and strife that has riddled your life with tears and holes.
That's all I can do for you from here. I can listen. I can write back. If simple words to another human being is what it takes to support you, I am here and willing to listen, even if you think no one else is.
Sincerely,
Michael
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Turning Point of my struggle against R.A.D.
"I appreciate your efforts to galvanize this large and mostly silent group to take action and educate others about living with RAD. Best of luck to you.One question, how did you finally break through from being a sufferer to an outspoken warrior? What helped you heal? Please share this important information. Thank you." (Thatwouldbeme)
Dear All,
Dear All,
Thank you, "Thatwouldbeme" for your very kind comments. Whenever someone writes to me, I try to write back as quickly as I can. The way I see it, you have taken time out of your day to write to silly little me, so I should take the time to write back to you!
The turning point? Honestly, I cannot honestly cannot say there was one contributing factor that was a turning point in my war against R.A.D. It was a multitude of different things. Any adult or child that is suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder has a very hard battle to fight. The very connections that we want and that we need in our lives are our very downfall.
When I was younger, my shock tactics, my abuses, drug addiction, stealing, lying and fire starting literally pushed everyone away. Who would want to love a child with blood on his hands? While I craved attention, affection and companionship I also detested it's very concept. So it was a double sided blade.
If you remember from previous posts, I sank so low as a child, I literally thought I was the devil himself. I could get away with anything (in my young mind) because not only was I already dead, everything I did was anti-social in nature. It was easy to get slammed on huffing paint thinner, killing animals or hurting others. It was scarily too easy.
As I grew older, all of those vices and behaviors carried over in my adulthood. I was a 12 year old kid in a 27 year old's body. Relationships with women were completely sexual in nature only. Any woman that tried to get close to me I would turn away for one reason or another. In many cases stemming from my own sexual abuse issues themselves, I loved sex with women and I hated it. Another double sided blade.
Of course drinking and drug use in my life was overpoweringly prevalent. When I wasn't drunk or high trying my best to erase the devilish part of me, I was lying in a complete state of depression and self loathing. I never left my house, my shades were drawn and I tried suicide one too many times. I wasn't a person anymore, just a blob doing nothing with my life. The worst part of that? I didn't care and it bothered me that I didn't care. "Why couldn't I be like everyone else?" I would ask myself as I drew a knife across my arm.
I used everyone I could for anything I could. Whether it was paying for rent, food, booze you name it, I would. I was a master at lying and manipulating. I worked odd jobs here and there but found no solace in working for other people (In fact, to this day I have vowed NEVER to work for someone else again) and each job I had I would either quit or sabotage.
My adoptive parents supported me through this whole time but even their patience for there mentally screwed up adoptive son was beginning to wane.
I wrote all of that in response to you to set the scene up below.
It took me meeting my birth parents and completing my family research to finally ground myself in some kind of connection to the world. I had to feel connected to the world in one way or another. Now that I had a connection to my families history, I felt that I now belonged on the planet earth.
Another turning point was my "Walk For Adoption" that was a 3 day event. I literally WALKED from Cincinnati to Dayton, Ohio to raise awareness for R.A.D. and adoption. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I felt that because I was adopted in Dayton which started the train wreck of my entire life, I had to walk "home" and close that part of my life. I trained for six months of my life every day in prep for the walk. When I started the walk, my brain told me "Your going to quit, you cannot make it'. That voice stayed with me for about 15 miles, but I shut it out.
I believe to this day, that walk provided me with the necessary self confidence of doing something that alot of people couldn't or wouldn't do.
Another turning point (And probably the biggest one) is that I simply had to accept my life for what it was. It was no one's fault that I turned out to be the piece of shit I was. I was a bad person not because of my actions but because I was not contributing to society at all. I was simply here. I had to accept and swallow the fact that I was really messed up. Instead of trying to mourn over my ENTIRE LIFE, I realized I had gone through what I did for one reason:
To help others.
Now, I have dedicated my life to sharing event the most vulgar, pathetic, scary, violent and saddest of times with the world through my advocacy program, my blog and my newly created online community (http://www.rad-online.com) I know, shameless plug, sorry!
If there is anything that I have learned from struggling with RAD for 25 years is that mourning my past and acting out because of it isn't helping anyone, myself included.
My struggles, I conclude are best utilized with the education of others, sharing other people's trials, and being a shoulder to listen to those trials. If I never make another penny in my life, that's fine. Knowing however that I may potentially educate and alleviate another adult, child or family from the perils of R.A.D. I have paid back the community I did my best to destroy.
Sincerely,
Michael
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