Finally, the tears have started flowing.

Dear All,

Once again, I apologize for not being around as much, I have been extremely busy and not able to write.

This morning, however, I will write. I am literally crying. It took me over 20 years to learn how to cry again after everything in my body told me it was wrong to cry. The only times that I would cry would be when I was extremely drunk. However, today I cry without that aid. There is a lot of pain and healing that must be achieved. R.A.D. has taught me not to care about anything but today, I am literal bawling.

Another loss.

My dog had a litter of puppies that I had to say goodbye to this morning. for 8 weeks I had to care for these dogs, feed them, play with them (Socialization) and we had good times watching them run around the house and play.

Alas, we don't have the means to take care of them, we have 4 small dogs as it is and it's hard taking care of them, let alone 4 puppies. We live in an apartment and these puppies scream and cry and make far too much noise. I feel selfish because if we keep them we will most assured be evicted. I am trapped. My promise to my higher power to the realities of being evicted with too many things going on. I am just in alot of pain right now, regardless of the situation.

I PROMISED GOD that never again would an animal suffer at my hands, and I feel like I have failed my promise. (I am crying even harder now). I feel beyond low. I PROMISED GOD that no matter what happened, no animal would ever again suffer because of my actions. I feel as though, by selling them to a pet store, I have banished them to a place that they don't know, they will cry at night and they will be scared AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE THEM FROM IT.

This ties directly in with Adoption. Most R.A.D. Parents understand what I am talking about. All too well. This is a loss that I cannot control. It is a trigger and even in my 30's I have to be very, very, very careful. I failed at yet again another promise. May my higher power help me.

I will not be able to control who takes them or how they will taken care of. I feel sick to my stomach at this very moment.

After the deaths of the animals at my own hands, years later I promised myself and my higher power that no animal would suffer at my hands ever again and I feel like it's happening all over again. I am totally and completely powerless. I hate feeling like this, I hate crying and even worse at my age, I am learning how TO FEEL.

They have bonded with me to an extent and I had to let them go. This ties in with adoption in many RADTastic ways. I just wish that the pain I feel would subside.

I have learned to live life by controlling everything around me. I have learned to live life alone and without feeling and now I know why. So THIS wouldn't happen. So I wouldn't feel any kind of pain and any pain that I did feel would be instantly quashed to a certain extent.

Now, I cannot stop but feeling anger, depression and helplessness. I feel like I am in a cage and I cannot escape.

Such little, beautiful and sacred lives are out of my control and I am not dealing with this very well at all.

It is in my hopes that these beautiful animals are given good homes. What will eat at me at night is knowing that they are somewhere that I cannot protect them.

This is like having my heart torn out of chest and thrown on the floor.

My father said "You are doing the best for them, you cannot take care all of these dogs, don't go south on me". While his attempt at solace didn't hold any water because we are still on different "Planes" I understand the point.

Today is going to be a very, very, very, very hard day. It's only 9am and I am bawling.

Progress at the expense of loss. Call that a R.A.D. catch 22

Michael
http://www.rad-online.org/

Once an idiot, now my dad

Once an idiot, now my dad.

My dad and I have always had the strained relationship that most families do, except I was the worst of the worst for over 25 years. My father, never gave up on me. The more people I hurt, the more animals I killed and the further I slipped into the abyss,he was there. I cannot say I loved him for a VERY long time. Loving anyone, ever was something that was totally foreign to me.

My father tried his best to raise me to be a good man. His attempts failed. I am sure in some way, he blames himself for some of the mistakes he made but just like the rest of us, he is human. I did awful, terrible things to my entire family. (My sister still hates me to this day) He did the best he could to raise me to be ethical, fair, professional and above all, kind.
That wasn't to be.

While I slid further down the slope of women, drugs, anger, depression and self loathing he was always there with his two dollar wisdom that to me, was totally ridiculous. "Life is like the beach, it's beautiful, but it can flood." What the did I care about beaches,what did I care about life. I wanted him dead, my family dead and I wanted me dead. All of his wisdom didn't take into account the fact that I was a broken person.

Many people in my life ran, but he never did. He learned to cope just like I did in our usual ways that sometimes meant manipulation of each other simply because that's how we chose to survive the events that I myself created. There wasn't a time in my life when I could ever remember us having a "normal" relationship. We were either debating, at each other's throats,totally exhausted with each other and other times, fighting with each other. Either way I look at it, his life and mine were two totally and tragic worlds.

He wanted a son that was a professional, someone who made a difference in the world. That was his tragedy.

My tragedy is that I couldn't live up to those standards.

I sometimes wonder why I had to do the things I did for 25 years suffering with R.A.D. I realize now that it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done and the damage that I have caused still hold myself accountable for. I have destroyed a lot of lives, including my own.

When I decided to find my birth family, I am sure my adoptive dad had the usual nervousness that accompanies that kind of journey. A father who didn't love his child could, but not my dad. My dad loves me to much. Today, I know that. Something happened that was much more profound than I could have ever imagined.

I realized that every time I sobbed over "I'm a terrible human being" emails that I would write in drunken stupors that I wasn't proving anything to him. All I was doing was wallowing in my own self loathing and I didn't even know it. Until a few months ago.

Since that time, I have opened up a RAD portal that I have spent hundreds of hours working on,I have self published a book, I run a non profit helping ANYONE with R.A.D. and I have dedicated myself to these programs. I literally go to sleep 1 hour after I finish work, and I wake up ready to sit in front of the computer and do it all over again. That's when I received the email that changed my life.

It was from my adoptive dad. He said, "I respect you and what your doing, I'm very proud of you".

I wanted to cry, but as many of you know I cried all my tears out long ago. Instead, I held my father in a new light. I saw him as my father for the first time in 25 years. I saw that I have become exactly what he wanted me to be.

Me.

Everyday is still a struggle overcoming the effects of R.A.D. Everyday, I have to learn how to live life over again. Every day I have think about how many years I spent trying to destroy myself.

BUT

Everyday now, I work 14-16 hour days with all three of my little companies. Everyday I want to help another person and promote RADOnline. Everyday I want to write something new. Every day I want to live the life of a free person. R.A.D. Survivors will tell you that R.A.D. is prison, and it is.

My dad See's me, at least in part, out of prison. He is beginning to see (I think) all of those morals, values and philosophical beliefs I thought to be crap coming from me. He is seeing a changed man, and he is changing with me. We are beginning our relationship NOW.

Those 25 years he wasn't my dad he was idiot.

Today, he's my father.

Michael
http://rad-online.org
http://ofaat.org

Inspiring hope means more then uttering the word

Dear All,

Sorry I haven't been blogging as much or browsing other blogs lately. My community project has eaten up any extra time that I DID have. I thought I would write something inspirational to all those RADtastic parents and sufferer's as opposed to writing about my life with R.A.D.

Hope is more then praying. I had the honor of meeting a 1 and a half year old child today with the sure signs of R.A.D. (However, one cannot be diagnosed with R.A.D. until they are of verbal age, hence, cognitive therapy is very difficult). This child, had a beautiful smile, but at the same time, the eyes and the facial expressions of a very angry child. I will wait to tell her story until the family chooses us to represent them as clients.

Anyways, at the end of this meeting a very thankful RAD mom said to us "You were sent to us by angels". That kind of perked my ears up. I detest organized religion but I don't detest those that practice their religions. To each their own, as long as it makes them happy.

There is more to "hope" then prayer however or the assumption of fulfilled prophecies. Hope is hard work. It's more then praying for change. It's more than wishing things to change for you or those around you. It's sweat, tears and above all, sacrifice. Too many times I have heard the word "Hope" tossed around the proverbial room as if it was a catch phrase for change. Many people HOPE things change. I listen to R.A.D. parents say they "Hope" things will change. Those of you who know better know that "Hope" isn't talking, it's acting.

I have had the pleasure and the honor to speak with many families that call me all kinds of wonderful things. People say I am a R.A.D. warrior. I have been called "Strong". I have had parents thank me for speaking about R.A.D. My point is, I want to inspire hope through hard work, just as many R.A.D. parents are doing right now. They are inspiring hope through their selfless acts of love, courage and fortitude with very difficult children.

Every day, ALL of us have the chance to provide hope for everyone around us by our positive and giving actions. We all have the opportunity to make someone smile, someone laugh or provide our self inflicted wisdom to someone who needs help. Every minute, we have a chance to provide love, affection, a shoulder and an ear. The smallest things we do can impact a life on such a profound scale and we can start providing hope for our community right now. There are no time limits on providing hope to others.

It becomes a question of when we decide to stop having the world revolve around ourselves before we can utter the words "Hope" to another human being. When we decide to extend our hands to whoever needs help and honestly wants that help will hope form. Otherwise, "Hope" is just another word we use to describe a quality we don't know how to give to another human being. It's just a word.

I wonder how many people realize how difficult R.A.D. children are. The parents of these children are the ones I salute today. Today, I can honestly tell each and every one of you that what you are doing is providing TRUE HOPE. If the world had 30 percent more of people like yourselves, our world would be so different.

Whenever someone asks me (And I am getting alot less emails these days, oddly) "how can I help my child?" One thing I say is "Continue providing hope for your children".

Hope saves lives and redeems broken ones. It gives light to the darkest areas of a troubled life. It provides solace in a R.A.D. child's life. Keep doing the good that you are doing, even if you don't think your doing a good job. Most likely, you are and that word "Hope" actually means something.

Yes, today, because of you, Hope is alive and well.

Michael

My call to Lindy. I hear you. I am listening.

Dear Lindy,

Considering your lengthy post, I thought I would write an entire blog just for you. I could feel the desperation, the anger and the frustration in your voice. I, if no one else understands what trials your child is putting your family through at this very troubling hour. I can totally understand the futile and fruitless "Love him more" speeches that I am sure you receive daily.

Your post touched me because I was the exact same way when I was his age. You mentioned in your post that he wants too "Kill someone" that's his goal. Is it? Does a 12 year old understand the implications of death as you and I do? Probably not. I surely didn't understand or know about the horrible nightmares that I would have for years as I felt the warm blood of an animal running down the sides of my hand after a particularly bad rage. I wonder, Lindy if your son isn't trying to communicate with you the only way that he knows how.

To tell you everything is going to be ok, is of course bull crap. Your son, as destructive as he is and how EVIL he seems is still a very hurt, confused child. The sentence you wrote struck me as odd. "His goal is to kill someone." Did he say this to you? Or is that an educated assumption on your part? We have to nail that down first.

My parents did the same thing. They locked their doors at night because they thought that based upon my actions I would KILL them. I wouldn't. Even as a child with R.A.D. I knew what the limits were. I knew that while I hated my adopted family (And they hated me at times) their deaths wouldn't fit into my plans of manipulation and shock value tactics. As I read more about your son, my non clinical mind says this is a shock tactic. Even dangerous and physically threatening, it's still a tactic that the R.A.D. child will use.

They want your attention and a RAD Child will get it one way or another. Killing, stealing, abusing, fire starting, lying, cheating. Whatever we find that will scare you and start a pre-emptive confrontation that ultimately, the R.A.D. child will control. In some ways I loved the fact that my family both hated and feared me. I was in control of the situation 100 percent. This allowed me total freedom (Or at least I thought) to continue acting out. And of course, as we know acting out is about emotional expression.

I know that right now, you are afraid, you are pissed and you want to give in. You can't. That child, no matter how damaged he is, he is still a child. He still has a chance at a somewhat normal life. You are the instrument that is keeping him alive and without you, his chances of survival drop tremendously. You are quite literally his savior.

Underneath all of that anger is simply a child that doesn't know how to verbalize and vocalize his experiences in a way that you can understand. What you do understand, however is violence and fear. That's his way of reaching out. (I know, that sounds really messed up). The more that you react to this the more he controls. Considering the frustration non verbally expressed in your post to me, it sounds like he has really worked your family over. I know how hard this is for you and your family. I know.

What I am about to say may make you angry, maybe not. You CANNOT give up. If you give up, or you react negatively to him, he wins. I hear all the time "I would NEVER give up on my child" but I know that we ALL question our dedication to something. Don't give up.

If your child is physically in danger of hurting you, your children, animals you must, of course seek intervention. You must draw the line and injury/death is of course one line he must not be able to cross. Dare I say it, but if the police need to be involved, use them. His life, your life, your children's lives or another's life must be considered first.

My good friend Lisa Amos and I agree that RAD kids are hurt animals. Have you ever tried to approach an angry cat? They may love you but if your in their way they will fight to the death to keep themselves safe. That's a perfect definition of a R.A.D. kid. Your child is hurt, angry, confused and feels alone in a see of people and may be suffering from "Motel Syndrome". Email me about "Motel Syndrome". It's a very interesting concept.

I don't know much about the rest of your story, so really that's all the advice I can give you. Based on your post, I can feel how much you love your son. These trying times are probably the worst you have ever experienced and I also know how angry you are. I always like to say "Stay the course" I know that sometimes you have no clue where that course is headed.

Either way, your child no matter how crazy and maniacal he may act is still a hurt human being that needs you. The choice of adopting him is on your shoulders and I know the weight right now is overpowering. No matter what happens, I PROMISE you, one day he will thank you for being as strong as you are right now.

It may not come for years and during those years he may curse your existence. The day however, he sits down with you, looks into your weathered eyes and says "I was a terrible son, but you saved my life...Thank you" will be worth everything you are going through now.

Remember! Keep yourself, your family and the community around you safe. If you feel that your child is an immediate danger, seek intervention.

Sincerely with love and regards,
Michael
http://www.rad-online.org

My message to RAD Sufferer's Young And Old: Your not alone

Dear all,

As you can imagine, getting rad-online.org up and running has been a massive undertaking. However, despite that challenge, I am blogging again targeted at R.A.D. sufferer's young and old today. This is for them and I hope those that don't have the strength to speak up and speak out find solace in this post, as it both heartfelt and genuine.

As I sit hear listening to some of my favorite and very emotional music I wonder how many more like me are out there, listening to their own music. I wonder how many people I can reach before they end up like me, or if they are like me, how can I help them today. I look out the window and I wonder how many people are ready to end their lives or start living them again.

I wonder how many children, teens and adults will cry and wrestle with the feelings of utter contempt over their lives and the life they feel was taken from them. I ask myself, how will the people I hurt during my RAD years go to sleep knowing I have gotten better, while they may still be hurting.

We as RAD survivors fight not only with the demons of our past, but the sins we have committed. It's a constant tug of war battle that seems never ending and insurmountable. I question how many out there afflicted with RAD will kill an animal, hurt themselves or someone else not because they want to but because they have to. It's the only way they know how to communicate their particular emotions. I wonder how many afflicted will assist in the destruction of their families or begin trying to repair the damage they have done.

The cycle it seems, is never ending. More and more afflicted will continue to spring up and stay in the shadows, vowing that their actions good and bad should never be spoken of.

How alone we feel in the world surrounded by others trying to help us is immaterial to us. The damage has been done.

Everyday I ask myself how I can help another family. I cannot repay, repair or release the burden of my actions from those I have hurt or who have hurt me.

The only thing I can say to R.A.D. sufferer's is this:

I understand and you aren't alone. If it means writing to me tonight instead of going out and doing something crazy, young or old, please write. Don't make the mistakes that I made and that I am still 20 years later reeling from. Don't let those raw, bleeding emotions drive you to the horrors that I know you want to surrender to.

When you scream " You don't understand", I do understand. When you cry, thinking the thoughts of rage I understand those thoughts and you aren't alone in that struggle. We as a RAD Community are labeled as damaged beyond repair at times, but we aren't. No matter what has happened to you, or what you have done, you are not damaged beyond repair. You are beautiful and your voice has meaning. Trust me from experience. You are worth more than you think.

It's too easy to surrender and almost impossible to fight sometimes. That, I know. I know how hard it is to lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and wishing a plane would crash into your roof. I know about the nightmares, the hate, and the need to destroy the word and watch it burn. I understand and know the struggle and strife that has riddled your life with tears and holes.

That's all I can do for you from here. I can listen. I can write back. If simple words to another human being is what it takes to support you, I am here and willing to listen, even if you think no one else is.

Sincerely,
Michael

The Turning Point of my struggle against R.A.D.

"I appreciate your efforts to galvanize this large and mostly silent group to take action and educate others about living with RAD. Best of luck to you.One question, how did you finally break through from being a sufferer to an outspoken warrior? What helped you heal? Please share this important information. Thank you." (Thatwouldbeme)

Dear All,

Thank you, "Thatwouldbeme" for your very kind comments. Whenever someone writes to me, I try to write back as quickly as I can. The way I see it, you have taken time out of your day to write to silly little me, so I should take the time to write back to you!

The turning point? Honestly, I cannot honestly cannot say there was one contributing factor that was a turning point in my war against R.A.D. It was a multitude of different things. Any adult or child that is suffering from Reactive Attachment Disorder has a very hard battle to fight. The very connections that we want and that we need in our lives are our very downfall.

When I was younger, my shock tactics, my abuses, drug addiction, stealing, lying and fire starting literally pushed everyone away. Who would want to love a child with blood on his hands? While I craved attention, affection and companionship I also detested it's very concept. So it was a double sided blade.

If you remember from previous posts, I sank so low as a child, I literally thought I was the devil himself. I could get away with anything (in my young mind) because not only was I already dead, everything I did was anti-social in nature. It was easy to get slammed on huffing paint thinner, killing animals or hurting others. It was scarily too easy.

As I grew older, all of those vices and behaviors carried over in my adulthood. I was a 12 year old kid in a 27 year old's body. Relationships with women were completely sexual in nature only. Any woman that tried to get close to me I would turn away for one reason or another. In many cases stemming from my own sexual abuse issues themselves, I loved sex with women and I hated it. Another double sided blade.

Of course drinking and drug use in my life was overpoweringly prevalent. When I wasn't drunk or high trying my best to erase the devilish part of me, I was lying in a complete state of depression and self loathing. I never left my house, my shades were drawn and I tried suicide one too many times. I wasn't a person anymore, just a blob doing nothing with my life. The worst part of that? I didn't care and it bothered me that I didn't care. "Why couldn't I be like everyone else?" I would ask myself as I drew a knife across my arm.

I used everyone I could for anything I could. Whether it was paying for rent, food, booze you name it, I would. I was a master at lying and manipulating. I worked odd jobs here and there but found no solace in working for other people (In fact, to this day I have vowed NEVER to work for someone else again) and each job I had I would either quit or sabotage.

My adoptive parents supported me through this whole time but even their patience for there mentally screwed up adoptive son was beginning to wane.

I wrote all of that in response to you to set the scene up below.

It took me meeting my birth parents and completing my family research to finally ground myself in some kind of connection to the world. I had to feel connected to the world in one way or another. Now that I had a connection to my families history, I felt that I now belonged on the planet earth.

Another turning point was my "Walk For Adoption" that was a 3 day event. I literally WALKED from Cincinnati to Dayton, Ohio to raise awareness for R.A.D. and adoption. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I felt that because I was adopted in Dayton which started the train wreck of my entire life, I had to walk "home" and close that part of my life. I trained for six months of my life every day in prep for the walk. When I started the walk, my brain told me "Your going to quit, you cannot make it'. That voice stayed with me for about 15 miles, but I shut it out.

I believe to this day, that walk provided me with the necessary self confidence of doing something that alot of people couldn't or wouldn't do.

Another turning point (And probably the biggest one) is that I simply had to accept my life for what it was. It was no one's fault that I turned out to be the piece of shit I was. I was a bad person not because of my actions but because I was not contributing to society at all. I was simply here. I had to accept and swallow the fact that I was really messed up. Instead of trying to mourn over my ENTIRE LIFE, I realized I had gone through what I did for one reason:

To help others.

Now, I have dedicated my life to sharing event the most vulgar, pathetic, scary, violent and saddest of times with the world through my advocacy program, my blog and my newly created online community (http://www.rad-online.com) I know, shameless plug, sorry!

If there is anything that I have learned from struggling with RAD for 25 years is that mourning my past and acting out because of it isn't helping anyone, myself included.

My struggles, I conclude are best utilized with the education of others, sharing other people's trials, and being a shoulder to listen to those trials. If I never make another penny in my life, that's fine. Knowing however that I may potentially educate and alleviate another adult, child or family from the perils of R.A.D. I have paid back the community I did my best to destroy.

Sincerely,

Michael

It's time to stand up and stand together!

It's time to stand up and stand together.


This post is one without horror, bloodshed or sexual abuse. This post isn't about speaking to others. This post is about one thing:

Speaking Together.

It's time to stand up and stand together in our united cause. This cause, has taken many generations of destroyed lives riddled with terrible stories to come to fruition. Today, however, our voices can be united and celebrated with not only the hope of brighter futures for EVERYONE afflicted with RAD but for those yet to speak. Today as a community that has suffered, endured, cried and agonized it's our turn. It's our turn to share our stories with those who still quietly live in anguish and shame. Today it's our turn to hold our heads high and claim what is rightfully ours.

Our lives.

Today we can bring our message of healing to those that don't believe it's possible. Today we can be united in our common goals. We have the honor, privilege and the opportunity to be united as opposed to living quietly, vowing that the shame of our stories never be told in fear of common mockery. As a community is it not our job to lift ourselves and those that suffer with the strength of our stories and our struggles? As we have seen time and again a single story may be powerful, but a collective story changes lives. Today is the day to rally together and bring about change in our communities.

I challenge everyone that has an RAD story to join me and form an alliance that will be heard throughout the entire world. I invite you on a journey that may change not only your life, but those who are touched by yours. Our stories will support those who are afraid to share theirs.

Our common bond is the very bond we need to survive the perils of R.A.D. together as a community.

We no longer have to remain quiet in our homes hoping to one day be rid of this cursed disorder. Gone are the days of the frustration of isolation and desperation. Today we bring our stories to RAD parents, RAD sufferers, Doctors, Police Officers, School Officials, social workers and adoptive agencies. Our stories will be the definitive story of RAD and the hope that lies ahead for all, given to us by right of our lives.

RADOnline: The Online Consortium will be the adventure of a lifetime for all involved.As a community we will not only provide hope to those afflicted but educate ALL who yearn to understand R.A.D. through our collective voice of hope and sacrifice. Our experiences as well as our sacrifices will stand testament to the futures we can change today. All of us can speak. All of us can be heard.

Our unity will be our very paramount message to the community we seek to support and educate. Your RAD story, no matter what it entails will give depth and resonance that is so desperately needed in the RAD community. Some may be frightened or ashamed share their story with us. Don't be, we have been where you are and we want you to join us. We understand in the ways that only RAD parents, children and adults can possibly understand. You are NOT alone and you never were.

Our journey will be a difficult task for all involved. Every day will present new challenges that will and must be overcome. The road ahead will take many winding turns, much like the RAD story you are prepared to add to our voice. We will forge ahead into a new healing chapter of not only our lives, but the medical community as well. We invite everyone from all medical fields to join us in our never ending quest to educate and provide the necessary platform for hope and change.

Will you stand with us?

Michael



**For those interested in this opportunity to be of service to others, be part of an online RAD community and interested in sharing your RAD story please contact me for more information or see

http://rad-online.org (Website still under heavy construction)