It's time to stand up and stand together!

It's time to stand up and stand together.


This post is one without horror, bloodshed or sexual abuse. This post isn't about speaking to others. This post is about one thing:

Speaking Together.

It's time to stand up and stand together in our united cause. This cause, has taken many generations of destroyed lives riddled with terrible stories to come to fruition. Today, however, our voices can be united and celebrated with not only the hope of brighter futures for EVERYONE afflicted with RAD but for those yet to speak. Today as a community that has suffered, endured, cried and agonized it's our turn. It's our turn to share our stories with those who still quietly live in anguish and shame. Today it's our turn to hold our heads high and claim what is rightfully ours.

Our lives.

Today we can bring our message of healing to those that don't believe it's possible. Today we can be united in our common goals. We have the honor, privilege and the opportunity to be united as opposed to living quietly, vowing that the shame of our stories never be told in fear of common mockery. As a community is it not our job to lift ourselves and those that suffer with the strength of our stories and our struggles? As we have seen time and again a single story may be powerful, but a collective story changes lives. Today is the day to rally together and bring about change in our communities.

I challenge everyone that has an RAD story to join me and form an alliance that will be heard throughout the entire world. I invite you on a journey that may change not only your life, but those who are touched by yours. Our stories will support those who are afraid to share theirs.

Our common bond is the very bond we need to survive the perils of R.A.D. together as a community.

We no longer have to remain quiet in our homes hoping to one day be rid of this cursed disorder. Gone are the days of the frustration of isolation and desperation. Today we bring our stories to RAD parents, RAD sufferers, Doctors, Police Officers, School Officials, social workers and adoptive agencies. Our stories will be the definitive story of RAD and the hope that lies ahead for all, given to us by right of our lives.

RADOnline: The Online Consortium will be the adventure of a lifetime for all involved.As a community we will not only provide hope to those afflicted but educate ALL who yearn to understand R.A.D. through our collective voice of hope and sacrifice. Our experiences as well as our sacrifices will stand testament to the futures we can change today. All of us can speak. All of us can be heard.

Our unity will be our very paramount message to the community we seek to support and educate. Your RAD story, no matter what it entails will give depth and resonance that is so desperately needed in the RAD community. Some may be frightened or ashamed share their story with us. Don't be, we have been where you are and we want you to join us. We understand in the ways that only RAD parents, children and adults can possibly understand. You are NOT alone and you never were.

Our journey will be a difficult task for all involved. Every day will present new challenges that will and must be overcome. The road ahead will take many winding turns, much like the RAD story you are prepared to add to our voice. We will forge ahead into a new healing chapter of not only our lives, but the medical community as well. We invite everyone from all medical fields to join us in our never ending quest to educate and provide the necessary platform for hope and change.

Will you stand with us?

Michael



**For those interested in this opportunity to be of service to others, be part of an online RAD community and interested in sharing your RAD story please contact me for more information or see

http://rad-online.org (Website still under heavy construction)

I have a HUGE surprise for the RAD community and RAD bloggers

Dear All,

within the next 24 hours, I have a HUGE surprise and an adventure that ALL of us can
contribute to!!!

I promise you all, it will be worth the effort.

Keep your eyes peeled!!

Michael

Your not the "Meanest Mom Ever" RE: Mary The Mom

This is in response to a very lengthy and emotional post from another R.A.D. parent reaching out. This comment was from my previous post about Cathargic Reaction to A/V stimuli

No, your not the "meanest mom" ever.

--
“So my question is, am I the meanest mom ever? Would it have been helpful to you as a teen to have your media "censored?" I realize this doesn't change their past at all, and they ARE dealing with the issues media could be bringing up both in therapy and really all the time, but I don't think they need the exposure to upsetting media all the time.”

Dear Mary The Mom,

Ironically, for not being a professional therapist, I get the same “am I the meanest mom ever???” question almost daily now. My resounding answer most assuredly is NO. I am of the belief that while being a mom or a dad is a great thing, there is a limit to the amount of “coolness” or leeway that you can provide. If you feel that they don’t need the added pressure and exposure to certain media, be firm and be confident in the fact your making the best call that you can. You’re the mom and that’s the way it goes.

I find it refreshing that you want to be able to filter what your kids see. I think that in today’s society it’s easier to toss a child a T.V. while parent’s pursue other interests. It speaks volumes to me that you want to have such limits in the interests of your children’s safety in your household. It’s a very inspiring value.

“The meanest mom ever” comment of course is not accurate and remember with R.A.D. kids, no how matter much they push your buttons and give you trouble, don’t take it personally. Their outbursts aren’t about YOU it’s about THEM. I remember holding a knife to father’s throat, not wanting to kill him of course, but to assert authority. It wasn’t about him, it was about MY anger.

Sounds to me like your making the call for your family that you have to make, in a society that tells you to do otherwise. Your sticking to your guns and your values. I think your kids will not only say “Thank you” one day for your sense of values you have impressed upon them, but the “Greatest mom ever” mug you eventually receive from appreciative young adults will prove me correct.


Sincerely with regards and the warmest of wishes,

Michael Sansone
http://www.ofaat.org
http://ofaat.blogspot.com

Media and R.A.D. The Ugly Truth (I urge RAD parents to read this)

Dear All,

I have always been a movie fan. I love all kinds of movies, love, drama, action, you name it. As a child, I learned that movies made better friends then the people that spit on me at school. I especially loved excessively violent movies and ones that would depress me.

I would go out of my way to watch particular scenes over and over and over again. Over time, each time I would watch, another tear would drop, I would load another round (Bullet) into a rifle I owned and I would just bawl. I will write about one particular movie that still resonates with me today.

When I was roughly 22-23 years old, I had a particularly hard time watching a crash scene from the movie "Armageddon". Let's set the scene up.

Harry Stamper and his team are on two shuttles that are trying to land on an earth crushing meteor hurtling towards earth at gawd awful speeds. The ejected rocks from the meteor present a HUGE problem for the both the landing craft.

"Were gonna hit!!!" The pilot of the shuttle "Independence" screams. The next scene flashes to rocks cracking and splitting the windscreen of the shuttle. One giant, final rock smashes the entire windscreen in and the shuttle goes wildly out of control.

The pilot yells to entire team "The ship is out of control and we are going down". The entire ship breaks up as it spins out of control. People in the other shuttle can see destruction and chaos. A body from the doomed ship actually hits the other ships before the "Independence" crashes into the main body of the meteor.

Inside the doomed ship, people are killed instantly, destruction and chaos rain. Pipes, flames and bodies are thrown everywhere. The chaos inside the ship is extremely violent in nature.

Of course, being a media love, the music is very, very powerful and deep. (I am a HUGE music fan).

Why is all of this important to me? (And maybe another suffering from R.A.D.) Why did it send me into depression that was so terrible I felt like ending my own life? It took me 10 years to figure it out. In the end, it's very, very simple. So simple, it's scary.

Common association.

It took me realizing that my brain was associating what I was seeing with my own actions and life through the scene I was watching. I quite literally was "The Independence". I was spinning out of control, taking other's down with me and headed for total destruction. Others were watching me fall apart (Family and people that knew me) and there was nothing they could do. (Hence, the other ship watching the "Independence" crashing.

My previous animal killing, drug usage, destructive past and personal destruction was simply being reflected by what I saw and I never associated the crashing ship to my own life.

I remember the woman I was seeing at the time was one the phone with me, while I sobbed and I asked her "What's wrong with me?" as I was watching this scene. "I don't know, Mike". I hung up the phone of course and just watched this scene over and over and over until I either drank myself to sleep, attempted suicide or just lied in bed for a few days, doing nothing and just let myself slip further out of control.

It literally took the intervention of a hospital to stop the depression from getting any worse. I couldn't watch Armageddon ever again until today to blog about this with RAD parents and RAD sufferer's.

Media is a VERY POWERFUL tool. However, in the hands of someone with R.A.D. that is unconsciously associating what they are seeing and becoming "Cathartic" is EXTREMELY dangerous.

I write this today so that RAD parents and RAD sufferer's understand that media while intended to please can cause terrible pain and suffering if it's not used correctly and understood by the viewer.

For those that of you that would like to view the scene in it's entirety, here you go:

Understanding isn't important. Listening is

(This is a graphic post, please use discretion reading)

A door slams shut. A crying child listens to the terrifying screaming between two adults high on meth. Dirty plates crash around the room and glass shatters on a messy floor. This child closes his eyes, screaming holding his hands to his ears, hoping to drown out the sound of hell around him. A scream from his mother opens his eyes and the door to his room is kicked open by his birthfather.

This child knows what's coming. The last time dad came into his room, the child lost 2 teeth. "What are you gonna do about it, boy?" the father screams. His sullen, drunken voice bounces off the dirty walls like the proverbial gunshot. The father pics up his son the scruff of his neck and throws him into an adjoining corner of the room. Blood runs down his now torn open chin. The father kicks him in ribs and a shot of pain leads the child to yelp the helpless cry of a boy in hell itself. The injured child curls up next to a boxed up Christmas tree that was never opened.

His mother comes bursting through the door with a gun, blood running from both of her swollen eyes. " If I cannot have him, you can't either" she musters from her bleeding, mashed mouth. The father turns around leaving his beaten son crumpled on the floor. His father turns around, and stumbles towards his wife of equal inebriation ready to end her life. Before the little boy loses consciousness, he here's a single gunshot and his father's body hitting the floor.

Your son is stomping his feet after he has just urinated all over your brand new carpet. This of course, two weeks after he tried to burn down the Christmas tree in the basement. 1 week ago, he beat up his sister and lied to his teachers about fighting with another child in school.

In your frustration, you want to yell, you want to scream. You WANT to punish. The anger in your adopted child's eyes is almost scary. You sit him down and you TELL him to talk about what is making him angry, and rightfully so. You want answers. You deserve them. You rescued this child from God knows what in his former life. For the life of you, you just cannot wrench a word from him as he continues his ranting and raving. Frustrated with your adopted child's actions, you want to cry, but the tears just seem fruitless and futile. What's the point. Your child is an enigma.

I receive alot of emails from parents shaken up, fed up, looking for help. Not even help, just a sounding board. Something to lessen the frustration from what their children are doing. Some emails I receive talk more about what their child is thinking. After a few minutes (or hours depending on the offenses) I tell the parents one thing:

Understanding isn't important as listening is.

This is something that I always preach. Think about the story that you just read about the reality of too many adopted children. How could you POSSIBLY understand or related to that kind of experience? Even if you could, what would it lead to? For closed adoptions, you may never even know what happened to your adopted child, at the very least, understanding it.
What would have my adoptive parents understood about a topless babysitter I was feeling up in my bedroom for no apparent reason when I was 6 years old? I was too young to have understood what I was doing, how would they understand it?

In my meager opinion, sometimes, it's better just to listen. I know what your going to say, "My kid doesn't talk about his/her experiences". That's fine, we can address that.

When your child is acting out in any way (Self mutilation, sexual acting out, killing, fire starting) instead of yelling, screaming or playing into the R.A.D. itself, try something different. As long as you, your family and your child are safe this procedure may work.

Diffusion:

1) Diffuse the situation as best you can. Use a soothing voice, remain calm.
2) Remember the action is based on shock tactics and or the perception of loss
3) Ask the child to remain as calm as possible.
4) Get your child to a quiet, safe place that has been established as his/her "safe place"

Interaction:

A) Ask your child why he/she did what she did (Honey, why did you start the fire?)

B) Answer: "I wanted the Christmas tree dead"
C) Question: "Well honey, why did you want the Christmas tree dead"
D) Question: "Did the tree do something to you that you want to talk about?"
E) Answer: "No, the tree didn't do anything"
F) Question: "Were you angry at the tree honey?"
G) Answer: "No I wasn't angry at the tree, I am angry at my dad"
H) Question: "Your dad now, or the dad you had along time ago"
I) Answer: "Dad along time ago, he threw me into a Christmas tree"
J) Question: "Oh, honey I am so sorry. I can't even begin to understand
what that what that was like." "Would you like to talk about it
with me??"
K) Answer: "It just really hurt alot and I was scared"
L) Statement "I will ALWAYS be here to listen to you honey, even if I don't understand
what has happened. You are safe here"

In essence, you have opened Pandora's box. Instead of trying to force your child, you are simply letting the child vocalize through their own shocking acts. R.A.D. is meant of course to push away and shock. If you don't react to your child's actions with shock the act itself has lost alot of "steam". Reacting shocked is the point, the child wants your attention and then he/she wants you to throw them away.

Sometimes, it's better to let the child initiate communication when they are ready. They are ready when they start acting out. Of course, if the action is life threatening intervention, (Police, therapists, rtc, etc.) must be utilized. If the event itself isn't life threatening and is run of the mill acting out, this passive communication just might work.

When I set fires and killed animals I was relating my anger. The problem was my parents were playing into my hands by acting the way they did and calling me the HORRIBLE things they did. They simply played the part that I assigned them. If I acted out, they became the aggressors and I could act accordingly. Without the hysterics, name calling and physical abuse, I would have been immediately disarmed.

Remember he story above R.A.D. parents. How could you understand that kind of hell? Most likely, you can't understand it because it's beyond rational action and thought. It however, was the life of a child for years.

Listen even when you think you can't. It will pay off.

Michael

*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, these are just my personal opinions based on my life struggling with R.A.D. Use these procedures of course with therapy and if you have questions about the above techniques, please speak with your therapist BEFORE attempting it.

You can trim a tree, but you can't hide it's roots

You can trim a tree, but you can't hide it's roots

I always knew there was something different about me. I always knew that I didn't belong where I was. I didn't feel ANY kind of connection with my adoption family whatsoever. I knew that I didn't belong in the rich town I was in. I felt, deep within myself that all of this was a sham, something that was foreign to me. Even at the age of 13 years old I knew something was wrong.

I couldn't have been more right. My adoptive father, bless his soul always had the greatest hope of me being a successful C.E.O of some giant company, a nice car, a house and a family. I was groomed to be another aristocratic, Catholic and above all upstanding citizen. Somehow, no matter how hard he tried to mold me into something much like himself, it failed. Every attempt to teach me, every attempt to steer towards a path of financial security and success failed with utter misery, which I am sure he took not only personally, but emotionally as well. I was very out of my element, little did I know, this entire manufactured existence would eventually crumble and the truth of my existence would reveal itself whether I liked it or not.

In school, I was quite literally tortured. Because my Reactive Attachment was so rampant at an early age my peers saw me as a defect. I was beaten, spit on and ridiculed day and night for years. I knew all of these spoiled rotten rich children weren't of my sort either. I was totally alone in a sea of people. It got to the point where I no longer cared about school, waking up, bathing or anything else that would require me to be seen in public. My own self loathing and the reinforcement of that image through my peers simply held me down tighter as I reached out to understand something, anything.

I did, however excel in writing and reading. I was alone so often as a child the only thing I did was play with computers and read books about WWII fighters (Which I still do to this day). While other's played and went out on dates I stayed in my dark room, reading or playing a computer game. Those were my two outlets when I wasn't getting drunk, starting fires, killing animals, stealing, huffing paint thinner or sleeping with a teacher. My adoptive parents teachings failed me almost completely and I now know why.

My roots are the complete OPPOSITE of the ones planted for me by the foster care and adoption system. When I learned that my entire family came from the hills of Tennessee and bondage in Georgia the light finally came on. The anger ceased. The need to see the world burn stopped. The want to hurt and kill other's stopped. Everything stopped. All that was left was a huge hole of ashes that was my former life. I quite literally had nothing left, no where to go and no idea what to do. I was a tired, drunken worn out person that lived 28 years in the dark.

What I have come to learn is that I understand now why I love the outdoors. I realize now why I like target shooting and hiking. I realize now why I enjoy so much being in the mountains. When I am in nature I feel as though this is MY place. I realize that the sufferings of my birthfamily cannot be broken by a manufactured existence. I now realize now why money means absolutely NOTHING to me. My entire family has lived their entire lives without it.

Basically, the polars of the true Earnest Stringfield (My real name) and the manufactured Michael clashed. Most of my family has battled addiction and mental illness, all of which carried over to me. My love of solitude, the sound of a running creek make much more sense to me. No matter how hard it was beaten into me to be a big shot running a company or "making something of myself" it always clashed with the true Earnest Stringfield. I always enjoyed being a bit ornery and foul mouthed. I loved working on cars, getting dirty building things and being outdoors, all of those things were considered poor man's job's in the eyes of my family.

This is how PROFOUND my story is to me. Everything I was taught wasn't the REAL me. Everything that was taught to me was material and of little consequence to me. This is no fault of my adoptive parents, they did the best they could for me. I turned out a terrible person and a train wreck of an adult at my own hands and devices. They had NO idea what they were in in for. I feel for them seeing the son they really wanted and the one I actually turned out to be. I still see the hurt in my adoptive parents eyes. My transformation from manufactured Michael into true Michael is still extremely scary and confusing for my adoptive parents. "Why exactly would you want to associate yourself with people like that" they ask. They are MY people.

The real Mike likes to vagabond and explore. The real Mike enjoys everything my adoptive family doesn't. For my birth mother being a drunken, angry, spite filled and sullen person I felt more comfortable when I met her than I did for 28 years talking with my own family. For my birth father who is a father to at least 13 other children and dared calling me "son" when I met him for the first time, I felt more comfortable with him in that same capacity. (However, I maintain almost no contact with either of them) To be honest, I detest the fact that somehow, I have to take responsibility for my own actions that in part they created in the first place with their drunken sexual act in a motel room described to me in gory detail by my birth father. They however escape that responsibility almost completely.

`` I write all of this to address two important adoption players: For R.A.D. parents if you have the opportunity, get as much background information about your RAD child's roots as you can. Absorb yourself into the back story of your child's family as you can. If my parents knew the things that I know about my family and my history, they may have been able to tailor their efforts towards the things that were inherently buried deep within my Psyche. Instead of fighting my nature, they may have been able to nurture it. If they also knew I was bi-racial, ALOT of things would have been different.

for R.A.D. sufferer's young and old. No matter how painful your past may be, you MUST research it. If your anything like me (eternally curious to the point of insanity) you can understand how important it is to learn. Find your roots, find your family and it's story. Close those wounds of the past and you may be surprised what you find. You may find closure, you will definitely find pain but in the end, your life will be yours again. The NEED to destroy yourself and everyone around you may cease because the life you were given in adoption will have been given a new perspective. That light of your true existence will emerge in your pasts darkest corners with the hope of a future that you deserve.

To everyone, I thank you so much for reading!!

A special message to RAD parents

A special message to RAD parents,

Not long ago, my blog has become very active, thanks to some R.A.D. parents that decided to read my meager thoughts. Those thoughts, no matter how shocking, tragic, touching or tear inducing have brought many to comment and say thank you to me.

I need not nor deserve your thanks. My deepest and most profound hope is to continually thank all of YOU for your very generous, thoughtful words of kindness and respect. I have lived a life that is far below honorable and I have engaged myself in acts that would repulse even the lowest of life forms with my struggle with R.A.D. I deserve no thanks, and I have not earned in my mind my restitution for those I hurt, those I killed (animals) and those that I took such advantage of during those horrible years.

My blog is to serve as the beginning of that restitution in hopes that my meager thoughts may serve testament, witness and usefulness to R.A.D. parents, R.A.D. sufferer's both young and old that have so selfishly given their LIVES to help children that their own families tossed aside like garbage. I feel it incumbent upon me to live up to YOUR standards and convictions, as my own have proven truly weak and fruitless upon deeper consideration.

You are the light of your R.A.D. children's lives. I know that the choices you made to adopt, foster or care of a R.A.D child is beautiful, testing, frustrating and sometimes almost hopeless. For those of you that I have spoken with personally, I know that you will not give up on these children. The road you and your child or children has been studded with rocks,
cliffs, beautiful trees, thunderstorms and different paths.

I cannot promise an easy road ahead. This, however, I can promise you. If you see your children to the end (And I know you will) your sufferings and your tears haven't fallen in vain.One day, many years from now, your child will look into your weary eyes and say "Thank you".That may be the ONLY gift they can give back to you for the years they tested both your sanity and your conviction to care to them.

That "Thank you" however, will be the sweetest gift that you have ever received. It will be the gift that your child can't burn, kill, destroy. The nights of confusion, anger, tears and anguish you feel now is something that I truly wish I could share with you. I more than anyone else know's how hard this struggle is.

Just remember this: When your child has their R.A.D. fits, it's not your child you struggling with.It's a disorder. When they act out, they are communicating years of pain and strife they only way that they know how. They truly are talking to you. They are sharing their pain the only way they can verbalize their emotions. To highlight my point: When your child is smiling, laughing with you, wrestling with you or reading with you, THAT is your child.

The pain, the struggling, the yelling doesn't enter your mind. No anger is present and you are enjoying the fruits of your very hard struggle as it was intended. Keep that in mind when things go wrong and the end of the yelling, stomping, acting out. While your children are communicating in ways that you detest, they are still communicating. Remember the times above when you feel like your hanging onto a worn out rope on it's last thread hanging over a large precipice.

Keep the faith R.A.D. parents. This post is for you and you alone. I understand and thank you for your service to so many children that need you, regardless of what they SAY.

Michael