I hope everyone recieved the RAD Online Thanksgiving Ecard and I hope everyone had a RAD Tastic Thanksgiving. Today, as I enjoy my day off I am watching a trailer for a wonderful movie (It's one of my favorite trailers). I realized something very specific and special about it. The movie is about the sex trade, and in this particular trailer, there is alot of hugging as a way for the survivors to help cope and support eachother. I asked myself the only logical question that I could....... Why?
I never understood it and I was never comforted by them. As a child, I would clam up and become an "Ironing Board". I never understood what hugging another person actually did. As I grew, hugging was a completely mystery to me. As an adult I never really craved any kind of attention or love (past orgasms). So the actual need to hold or be held was something that I didn't need or understand. Human touch of any actually pushed me away and kept me wrapped in my shell. When I saw my friends hugging their parents or their friends I always cocked my head to the side and asked myself "Whats the point?".
The fact that never really needed any kind of human connection I believe is a big part of this puzzle. In retrospect I think that I wanted to be hugged or comforted and even if I didn't I wouldn't know how to recieve it. I never needed that kind of altruistic connection to another human being. Why connect with another human being and how does my connection to that person help them? That was always what my thought was. Why should anyone care about me and what does my physical touch do for them?? My answer always came up as a resounding "nothing".
I know what alot of you might think " He just wasn't hugged as a child ". You would be right, but I think it's more than that. I think those base connections that non RAD adults and children are privelaged to, RAD Adults and children don't. For us, it's about survival against those that might hurt us, or seek to harm us. To hug another person and feel love is so skewed and misunderstood, it becomes a defense mechansim to shy away from that kind of attention.
People in my life try their best to show me affection and I always ask myself "Why does this person need to show their affection towards me?". As a child I was the same way. Hugging and showing affection was a pointless endeavor. How do you comfort someone who cannot be
That to me is the saddest fact of my childhood. I couldn't be comforted then and even sometimes now. When I was hugged or when I am hugged now I feel my entire body just tighten up and go silent. I blankly stare ahead without any particular emotion
To look back on that fact and to realize it now is tragic. To know at that time and even sometimes today I just cannot be comforted is huge for me. To lack affection so much and to the extreme of locking up is a big step in understanding my current battle with RAD. For those that read my blog regularly (I know some of you do!) I am sure that this will come as no surprise. So the question that you may be asking yourselves is:
"How can I comfort my RAD kid or RAD Adult??"
The best answer I can give you at this point in time as an adult that has the benefit of hindsight, you probably cannot comfort them the way that you have been. That blank stare that your RAD Kid may show while hugging you, or when he or she tightens up like a board may be a sign that he or she just cannot give to you what you are trying to share with them. The best you can do for them is to listen when they talk about their experiences.
I envy those that are comforted by the touch of another human being. It's both a wish and curse for me at the same time.
I will write again soon!