It's been a long time since I have blogged. In fact, it's been almost a year now! Within that year, I have met my birth family, started a non profit company helping others suffering with R.A.D. (yes, adults suffer from it) and I have come to learn a lot about myself.
Reactive Attachment Disorder is, a terribly destructive and horrible disorder to have. I suffered 29 years with it. I was a tornado of a person, destroying anything and anyone I touched. I never had direction and I never had one friend, one close person to share my thoughts with. This was because I was generally a terrible, terrible person. I used, I abused and I left which of course are the trade marks of R.A.D. As a child, I was even worse, very sociopathic in nature and out of control.
My "Walk For Adoption" a 50 mile hike from Cincinnati to Dayton, Ohio gave me a lot of time to reflect upon my life and how it was spinning out of control. I looked back on the nights of booze, drugs and women not with disgust but with a greater appreciation of those that tried to help me. I looked back upon the days when I didn't care whether I lived or I died. God knows I tried too many times and I always seemed to stay safe.
When I met my birthfamily I realized the adopted child fantasy of the family that always wanted me back with open arms. What I saw was a competely different story. I saw a family strife with drugs, physical abuse and misdirected hate and contempt. I was able to see the very truth not that I wasn't anything like them, but I the truth that I WAS them, just in a different form. I guess that gave me the heeding I needed to try to at least give back to the community I did my best to destroy so many times.
My non profit was born out of the 29 year struggle to feel "normal". Happiness was never a word I associated with myself, much less anyone else. Stability was another subject that never had any particular meaning with me. I was too busy being unstable, self loathing and a terrible human being to care about stability.
I am now beginning to understand that I have spent 29 years in the dark. I spent 29 years of my only life being the most destructive person I could be and I am beginning to feel it not only in my bones but my thoughts as well. Anyone struggling with R.A.D. knows staring at a ceiling in the middle of the night lost, angry and depressed. Only someone suffering with R.A.D. can understand not leaving their beds for days at a time. There is nothing worse than feeling that you are worthless, shameless and not worthy of a friend, family member or confidant.
Many families I speak to tell me how their children are destroying their lives. I listen to these stories and it breaks my heart because all of the suffering that I have had to go through and inflicted upon others is still repeating itself. I wish I could talk to one of these children and tell them what will happen if they continue the path they are on: They end up like me.
I have come to accept the fact that I am who I am, I have done some pretty unspeakable things along my journey with R.A.D. Now penniless and broke with very few friends and dealing with the aftermath of R.A.D. I am taking stock in what I have learned, how I can apply my sufferings to others and help another person young or old with my own story. That's all I have left and in quiet reflection I realize I have gone through what I have so others can hear my story and perhaps realize their own behaviors through mine.